


• ^'('. N^ 





*w' --'MS:- %/ 




/\_ 



TREAT 'EM ROUGH 

LETTERS FROM 

JACK THE KAISER KILLER 



RING W. LARDNER 

AtJTHOB OF 

My Four Weeks in France, Gullible's Travels, Etc. 



ILIitJSTBATED BT 

FRANK CRERIE 



INDIANAPOLIS 

THE BOBBS-MERRILL COMPANY 

PUBLISHERS 



Copyright 1918 
The Bobbs-Merrill Company 



J7 



< 



3S' 



SEP 2i \m 



PRUS OP 

BRAUNWORTH It CO. 

BOOK MANUFACTURER! 

BROOKLYN. N. Y. 



>i:^aU5nit)Li5 



^& 



^U-x? I 



TREAT 'EM ROUGH 

LETTERS FROM 

JACK THE KAISER KILLER 



JACK THE KAISER KILLER 

Camp Grant, Sept. 23. 

r?RIEND AL: Well Al I am writeing this 
•^ in the recreation room at our barracks 

and they's about 20 other of the boys writeing 
letters and I will bet some of the letters is rich 
because half of the boys can't talk english to say 
nothing about writeing letters and etc. We got 
a fine bunch in my Co. Al and its a cinch I won't 
never die in the trenchs because I will be mur- 
dered in my bed before we ever get out of here 
only they don't call it bed in the army. 

They call it bunk and no wonder. 

Well Al I have been here since Wed. night and 
now it is Sunday and this is the first time I have 
not felt sick since we got here and even at that 
my left arm is so sore it is pretty near killing 
me where I got vacinated. Its a good thing I 
am not a left bander Al or I couldn't get a ball 
up to the plate but of course I don't have to 
think of that now because I am out of baseball 
now and in the big game but at that I guess a 
left bander could get along just as good with a 
sore arm because I never seen one of them yet 
that could break a pain of glass with their fast 

9 



10 TREAT 'EM ROUGH 

ball and if they didn't have all the luck in the 
world they would be rideing around the country 
in a side door Pullman with all their baggage on. 

Speaking about baseball Al I suppose you seen 
where the White Sox have cinched the penant and 
they will be splitting the world serious money 
while I am drawing $30.00 per mo. from the 
Govmt. but 50 yrs. from now the kids will all stop 
me on the st. and make me tell them what hotel 
we stayed at in Berlin and when Cicotte and 
Faber and Russell begins to talk about what they 
done to the Giants everybody will have themself 
paged and walk out. 

Well Al a lot of things come off since the last 
time I wrote to you. We left Chi Wed. noon 
and you ought to seen the crowd down to the 
Union station to bid us good by. Everybod3^s 
wifes and sisters and mothers was there and they 
was all crying in 40 different languages and the 
women wasn't allowed through the gates so fare- 
well kisses was swapped between the iron spokes 
in the gates and some of the boys was still getting 
smacked yet when the train started to pull out 
and it looked like a bunch of them would get left 
and if they had I'll say their wifes would of been 
in tough luck. 

Of course wife Florrie and little son Al was there 
and Florrie was all dressed up like a horse and I 
bet a lot of them other birds wished they was in my 




Florrie was all dressed up like a horse and I bet 

a lot of them other birds wished they 

was in my shoes (p. 10). 



JACK THE KAISER KILLER 13 

shoes when the kissing battle begun. Well Al we 
both blubbered a little but Florrie says she mustn't 
cry to hard or she would have to paternize her 
own beauty parlors because crying makes a girl 
look like she had pitched a double header in St. 
Louis or something. But I don't know if you 
will believe it or not but little Al didn't even 
wimper. How is that for a game bird and only 
3 yrs. old? 

Well Al some alderman or somebody had got a 
lot of arm bandages made for us with the words 
Kaiser Killers printed on them and they was also 
signs stuck on the different cars on the train like 
Berlin or Bust and etc. and the Stars and Strips 
was flying from the back platforms so we cer- 
tainly looked hke regular soldiers even without 
no uniforms and I guess if Van Hindburg and 
them could of seen us you wouldn't of needed a 
close line no more to take their chest measure. 

Well all our bunch come from the south side 
and of course some of them was fans and the 
first thing you know they had me spotted and 
they all wanted to shake hands and I had a smile 
for all of them because I have got it doped out 
that we are all fighting for Uncle Sam and a man 
ought to forget who you are and what you are 
and be on friendly turns with everybody tiU after 
:the war. 

WeU Al they had told us to not bring much bag- 



14 TREAT 'EM ROUGH 

gage and some of the boys come without even their 
tooth brush but they hadn't some of them forgot 
to fetch a qt. bottle and by the time we got out- 
side of the city hmits the engineer didn't have 
to blow his whistle to leave people know we were 
comeing. Somebody had a cornet and another 
fellow had a trombone and a couple of them had 
mouth organs and we all sung along with them 
and we sung patriotic songs like Jonah Vark and 
Over There and when they started on the Star 
Spangled Banner the guy I was setting along side 
of him hollered for them to not play that one 
and I thought he was a pro German or something 
and I was going to bust him but somebody asked 
him why shouldn't they play it and he says be- 
cause he couldn't stand up and he wasn't the only 
one either Al. 

The train stopped at a burg called Aurora and 
a bunch of the boys needed air so they got oif, 
some of them head first and one bird layed down 
on the station platform and says he had changed 
his mind about going to war and he was going 
to sleep there a while and catch the first train 
back to Chi so we picked him up and throwed 
him back on our train and told him we would 
have the engineer back up to Chi and drop him 
off and he says O. K. and of course the train 
started ahead again but he didn't know if we was 
going or comeing or looping the loop. 



JACK THE KAISER KILLER 15 

Well the trombone blower finely blowed himself 
to a nap and while he was asleep a little guy 
snuck the trombone away from him and says 
'*Look here boys I am willing to give my life for 
Uncle Sam but I am not going to die to no trom- 
bone music." So he throwed the trombone out 
of the window without opening the window and 
the guy woke up that owned it and the next thing 
you know the Kaiser Killers was in their first 
battle. 

Well Al by the time we got to Camp Grant 
some of the boys looked Hke they was just come- 
ing from the war instead of just going and I 
guess I was about the only one that was O. K. 
because I know how to handle it but I had eat 
some sandwiches that a wop give me on the train 
and they must of been poisoned or something be- 
cause when I got off everything looked kind of 
blured. 

We was met by a bunch of officers in uniform. 
The guy that had throwed the trombone away 
had both eyes swelled shut and a ofiScer had to 
lead him to the head quarters and I heard the 
officer ask him if he was bringing any liquor into 
the camp and he says yes all he could carry, but 
the officer meant did he have a bottle of it and he 
says No he had one but a big swede stuck his 
head in front of it and it broke. 

Over to the head quarters they give us a couple 



16 TREAT 'EM ROUGH 

of blankets a peace and then they split tis up 
into Cos. and showed us our barracks and they 
said we looked like we needed sleep and we better 
go to bed right after supper because we would 
have to get down to hard work the next a.m. and 
I was willing to go to bed without no supper after 
eating them dam sandwichs and the next time 
them wops trys to slip me something to eat or 
drink I will hang one on their jaw. 

Well Al the buggle has blowed for mess which 
is what they call the meals and you would know 
why if you eat some of them so I will close for this 
time and save the rest for the next time and my 
address is Co, C. 399th. Infantry, Camp Grant, 
Dl. 

Your Pal, Jac£. 



Camp Geant, Sept. 24. 

T7 RIEND AL: Well Al they give us some 
"*" work out today and I am pretty tired but 

they's no use going to bed till 9 o'clock which 
is the time they blow the buggle for the men to 
shut up their noise. They do everything by 
buggies here. They get you up at a quarter to 
6 which is first call and you got to dress in 15 
minutes because they blow the assembly buggle at 
6 and then comes the revelry buggle and then 
you eat breakfast and so on till 11 p. m. when they 
blow the taps buggle and that means everybody 
has got to put their lights out and go to sleep 
just as if a man couldn't go to sleep without 
music and any way a whole lot of the boys go to 
sleep before 11 because with so many of us here 
how could the officers teU if we waited for the 
buggle or didn't wait for it? 

Well Al about all we done the first 3 days was 
try and get the place to looking like something 
because the men that built the buildings was to 
lazy to clean up after themself and I wouldn't of 
minded only for feeling so bad all day Thursday 
on acct. of that sandwich and Friday I felt rotten 
because a Dr. vacinated me and fixed me up so 
as I can't catch small pox or tyford fever and 

17 



18 TREAT 'EM ROUGH 

I would rather have the both of them the same 
day then have that bird work on me again. 

Thursday a.m. after breakfast a bunch of us 
went to the Drs. and they give us a physical 
examination and before the Dr. examined me he 
says "Well is they anything the matter with you 
outside of a headache?" So I said "How do you 
know I got a headache" and he says because they 
was a epidemic of them in the camp. Well Al 
I could of told him why only of course I wouldn't 
squeel on the rest of the boys so all I told him 
was about me eating that sandwich and he says 
all the boys must of eat them and that shows how 
much them wise Drs. knows. 

Well of course he didn't find nothing the matter 
with me physicly and he says I was a fine specimen 
and the next place I went was to the head quarters 
or something where they give us our uniforms 
and you ought to see me in mine Al only the 
shoes is 6 sizes to big and I made a holler about 
it but the man says they wouldn't be so big after 
I had wore them a while. They must be fine shoes 
that will srink Al because all the shoes I ever 
seen the more you wear them they get bigger. 
They give us each 2 pair shoes one to march in 
with cleats on the bottom and a hat and a hat 
cord and 5 pair sox and 2 shirts and a belt and 3 
suits under wear and 2 cocky suits. 

And we had to tell our family history to a 



JACK THE KAISER KILLER 19 

personal officer that writes down all about you 
on a card and what kind of work you done before 
so if the General or somebody tears their pants 
they won't have to chase all over the camp and 
page a taylor because they can look at the cards 
and find out who use to be a taylor and send for 
him to sow them up. 

A lot of the boys give this officer a song and 
dance about how good they can drive a car and 
etc. so they can get a soft snap like driveing one 
of the officers cars and I could of got some kind 
of a snap only I come here to be a soldier and 
fight Germans and not mend their pants. 

The officer asked me my name and age and etc. 
and what I done in civil life so I said "I guess 
you don't read the sporting page." So he says 
"Oh are you a fighter or something?" So I said 
**I am a fighter now but I use to pitch for the 
White Sox." So then he asked me what I done 
before that so I told him I was with Terre Haute 
in the Central League and Comiskey heard about 
me and bought me and then he sent me out to 
Frisco for a while and I stood that league on their 
head and then he got me back and I been with 
him about 3 years. 

So the officer asked me if I ever done anything 
besides pitch so I told him about the day I played 
the outfield in Terre Haute when Burns and 
Stewart shut their eyes going after a fly ball and 



20 TREAT 'EM ROUGH 

their skulls come together and it sounded like a 
freight wreck and they was both layed out so I 
and Lefty Danvers took their place and in the 
8th. inning I come up with 2 on and hit a curve 
ball off big Jack Rowan and only for the fence 
that ball wouldn't of made no stops this side of 
Indpls. 

So then the officer says "Yes but didn't you 
do something when you wasn't playing ball?" so 
I told him a pitcher don't have to do nothing only 
set on the bench or hit fungos once in a while or 
warm up when it looks like the guy in there is 
beggining to wobble. So he says "Well I guess 
I will put you down as a pitcher and when we 
need one in a hurry we will know w^here to find 
one." But I don't know when they would need 
a pitcher Al unless it was to throw one of them 
bombs and believe me when it comes to doing that 
I will make a sucker out of the rest of these birds 
because if my arm feels O.K. they's nobody got 
better control and if they tell me to stick one 
in a German's right eye that is where I will put 
it and not in their stomach or miss them all to- 
gether like I was a left hander or something. 

Well Al we done a little training Friday and 
Saturday but today was the first day we realy 
went to it. First of course we got up and dressed 
and then they was 10 minutes of what they call 
upseting exercises and then come breakfast which 




Shut their eyes going after a fly ball, their skulls 

came together and it sounded like 

a freight wreck (p. 20). 



JACK THE KAISER KILLER 23 

was oatmeal and steak and bread and coffee. The 
way it is now you got to get your own dishs 
and go up to the counter and wait on yourself 
but of course we will have waiters when things 
gets more settled. You also got to make your 
own bed and that won't never kill nobody Al 
because all as we got is 2 blankets and you don't 
have to leave the bed open all a.m. like at home 
because whatever air wanted to get in wouldn't 
let these blankets stop it. 

Then they give us an hour of drilling and that 
was duck soup for me on acct. of the drilling 
we done on the ball club last spring and you 
ought to seen the corporal and sargent open their 
eyes when they seen me salute and etc. but some 
of the birds don't know their right from their left 
and the officers had to put a stick of wood in 
their right hand so they would know it was their 
right hand and imagine if some of them was ball 
players and played left field. They would have 
to hire a crossing policeman to tell them where 
to go to get to their position and if they was 
pitchers they wouldn't know if they was right 
hand pitchers or left hand pitchers till they be- 
gun to pitch and then they would know because 
if they were hog wild they would be left banders. 

The corporals and sargents come from the 
regular army but after a while Capt. Nash will 
pick some of us out to take their place and it is 



24 TREAT 'EM ROUGH 

a cinch I will be picked out on acct. of knowing 
all about the drills etc. 

The next thing was a lecture on what they 
could do to us if we got stewed or something 
and how to treat the officers and we got to sir 
them and salute them and etc. and it seems kind 
of funny for a man that every time he walked 
out to pitch the crowd used to stand up and yell 
and I never had to sir Rowland or Collins. I'd 
knock their block off if they tried to make me. 

Well every time we wasn't doing something else 
they sprung some more of them upseting exercises 
on us and I called the corporal to one side and 
says if he would excuse me I would pass up some 
of them because I didn't need to exercise on acct. 
of playing baseball all summer and besides I was 
tired and he says these exercises was to fix me 
so I wouldn't get tired and he made me go through 
with all of them. How is that for brains Al and 
I suppose if a man was up all night watching a 
corpse or something this bird would make you 
stay awake all the next day so you wouldn't get 
sleepy. 

For dinner we had roast chicken and sweet 
potatoes and cream corn and biscuits and coffee 
and for supper they was bake beans with tomato 
sauce and bread and pudding and cake and coffee 
and the grub is pretty fair only a man can't 
enjoy it because you got to eat to fast because 



JACK THE KAISER KILLER 25 

if theys anything left on your plate when the 
rest of them birds gets through you got to fight 
to keep it from going to the wrong address. Well 
Al its pretty near time for the tattoo buggle 
which means the men has got to shut up and keep 
quiet so I am going to get ready for bed but I 
don't know if I would rather have them keep quiet 
or not because when they are keeping quiet you 
don't know what they are up to and maybe they 
are snooping a round somewheres waiting for a 
man to go to sleep so they can cut your throat. 
Some of them has been use to doing it all their 
life Al and they are beggining to miss it. But I 
don't know if I wouldn't just as leave die that 
way as from them upseting exercises. 
Your pal, 

Jack. 



Camp Grant, Sept. 26. 

T^RIEND AL: WeU Al don't be surprised if 
you pick up the paper some a.m. and see 
where I'm gone and you may think I am just 
jokeing Al but I am telling you the truth and 
I am glad Florrie is fixed so she can make a liveing 
for herself and little Al because I wouldn't bet a 
nickle I wiU be alive by the time this gets to you. 
I guess I all ready told you the kind of birds 
we got in our Co. Well the worst one in the 
bunch is a guy named Sebastian and of course 
he would have to be the one that got the bunk 
next to mine. Well Al you remember me writeing 
to you about the little runt that throwed that 
guy's trombone away, well his name is Lahey but 
we call him Shorty on acct. of him being so short. 
Well I hadn't payed much attention to this here 
Sebastian because he has always got a grouch 
and don't say nothing only to mumble at the 
officers when they ask him some question but 
Shorty knows him and last night he told me all 
about him and he has been pinched 50 times for 
stabbing people but he has got some pull or some- 
thing and they can't never do nothing to him 
except once he served a turn at Joliet for cutting 
off a guy's ears because he wouldn't get up and 

27 



28 TREAT 'EM ROUGH 

give him a seat on a st. car. He has always got 
a knife hid on him somewheres and his first name 
is Nick so they call him Nick the Blade on acct. 
of always haveing a knife on him. 

I don't know if I told you or not but we got 
a shed outside of the barracks with shower baths 
and etc. and everybody is supposed to take baths 
and keep themself clean and of course its a 
pleasure for a man like I because I got use to 
takeing them every day after the game and I 
don't feel right unless I am clean but some of the 
birds hollered like a Indian the first time the of- 
ficers made them get under the shower and you 
would think they never seen water before and I 
guess some of them hadn't because when they come 
out afterwards the officers had to ask them their 
name. 

Well Al I was takeing a bath yesterday and 
this big Nick bird was standing there striped and 
he couldn't get up the nerve to step under the 
shower and Corporal Daly come up behind him 
and give him a shove under the water and he give 
a bellow that you could hear from here to Rock- 
ford and I didn't know who he was then and I 
couldn't help from laughing and he seen me but 
he didn't say nothing and I wouldn't of thought 
no more about it only for what Shorty told me 
afterwards. Well Shorty was there to and he 
laughed at him to but Nick didn't see him but he 




I'm glad Florrie is fixed so's she can make a living, 
for herself and little Al (p. 27). 



JACK THE KAISER KILLER 31 

seen me and Shorty says I better keep my eyes 
pealed because Nick wouldn't think no more of 
stabbing a man then picking his teeth and if theys 
one thing he won't stand for its somebody laugh- 
ing at him. 

Well I been keeping my eyes pealed all right 
and I kept them pealed all night last night but 
I can't stay awake all night every night and the 
first time I doze off it will probably be the last 
time. 

Sebastian hasn't spoke to nobody or looked at 
nobody today and when a man acts like that it 
means they are makeing plans. Well Al I only 
wish he was planning to dessert from the army 
and if I seen him trying to make his get away I 
wouldn't blow no buggle to wake up the guards. 
I'll say I wouldn't Al. 

I pretty near forgot to tell you that Teddy 
Roosevelt was here today over looking us and he 
made a speech but they was about 20 thousand 
for him to talk to and I was a mile away and 
couldn't hear nothing but I suppose he told the 
boys they was fine physical specimens and etc. 
Well Al that stuff is O.K. but if I wasn't a fine 
physical specimen I might be somewheres where 
I could go to sleep without some stabber waiting 
to carve their initials in my Adams apple. 
Your pal, 

Jack. 



Camp Grant, Sept. 29. 

77» RIEND AL: Well old pal you see I am still 
-^ alive and I guess that is because by the 

time night comes a round Nick the Blade is all 
wore out with them upseting exercises and etc. 
and hasn't got enough strenth left to carve no- 
body or maybe he has figured out the truth which 
is that I wasn't realy laughing at him Al but 
when I am takeing a bath I feel so good that I 
am libel to bust out laughing at nothing you 
might say. 

But Sebastian isn't the only bird I got to watch 
now Al because last night they sprung a new one 
on me and he just come into the camp yesterday 
and the man that was sleepmg on the other side 
of me is sick in the infirmiary so they stuck this 
new one in his bunk and now I got them on both 
sides and I don't know which is the worst Nick 
or him because this one wispers all night and it 
would be O.K. if he was wispering in his sleep or 
wispering to himself but he isn't. 

I didn't turn in till 11 and Nick was buzzing 
away like a saw buck and I figured on getting 
some sleep myself but I hadn't no sooner layed 
down when the wispering begun on the other side. 

33 



34 TREAT 'EM ROUGH 

First I didn't catch what he was trying to get 
at but I heard him the second time all right and 
he says "Do you want me to kill?" Well Al for 
2 or 3 minutes I couldn't get enough strenth up 
to turn over and look at him but the next time 
he repeated it over again I couldn't stand it no 
more so I said "Are you talking to me?" And 
what do you think he said Al? He says "I am 
talking to God." 

Well Al the connection couldn't of been very 
good you might say because he kept asking the 
same question over and over and not getting no 
answer but how was I to know when the party 
at the other end would speak up and maybe say 
yes and they wasn't nobody closer to him then 
me for him to work on so you can see what a 
fine nights rest I got Al and this a.m. I told 
Shorty Lahey about him and sure enough Al the 
bird is a gun man named Tom the Trigger and 
Shorty says he is a nut that thinks he is aces up 
with the all mighty and some times he imagines 
that they are telling him to go ahead and shoot 
and then he takes aim at whoever is handy. 

Well Al this was inspections day and everybody 
was supposed to have a clean shave and their hair 
brushed and all their buttons sowed on and their 
beds made up neat and their shoes and mess kits 
shinned bright and etc. and Capt. Nash and the 
lieuts. give us all the double O and some of the 



JACK THE KAISER KILLER 35 

boys got a nice little baling out for the way they 
looked but I looked like a soldier ought to look 
Al and didn't give them no chance to ball me 
out. 

But what difference is it going to make Al for 
me to look good and have things neat when I am 
sleeping between a man that if he can ever stay 
awake till I doze off he will dig a trench system 
in my chest with a stilleto and on the other side 
of me they's a bird that the minute the lord says 
Fire he will make me look like a soup strainer. 
It don't hardly seem like its worth while to be 
strick about looks when sooner or later they are 
bound to muss me and my bed both up. 
Your pal, 

Jack. 



Camp Grant, Oct. 3. 

T?RIEND AL: WeU old pal I just got some 
J^ good news and this it is Al. Next Saturday 
they are going to let some of the boys go home on 
leave and I asked Corporal Daly to fix it up for 
me to go and he says he didn't know if he could 
or not because most of the ones that's going is 
men that has been here a mo. or more but on 
acct. of me haveing been with the White Sox 
they fixed it so as I could go and the world serious 
opens up in Chi Saturday and I won't get away 
from here till Saturday noon so I can't get there 
for the first game but I will see the Sunday game 
and won't Gleason and them pop their eyes out 
when I go down to the bench with my cocky suit 
on and shake hands with them and I bet Rowland 
will wish I was wearing the White Sox uniform 
instead of Uncle Sam's uniform. 

Well Al I can't hardly wait to get home and 
see Florrie and little Al and of course I will see 
them Saturday night and I will take them to the 
game Sunday and leave for back here after the 
game because a man has got to be back in camp 
at 11 Sunday night and the funny part is that 
Florrie was going to bring little Al and come and 

S7 



38 TREAT 'EM ROUGH 

see me next Sunday but now I am going to see 
her and I have wrote her to not come. 

Well I am feeling to good to go to bed but 
that is where I ought to be Al because I wasn't 
never so tired in my life because they hung a new 
one on us this p.m. Instead of giveing us upseting 
exercises from a quarter to 4 till a quarter after 
they made us all run 20 minutes without stopping 
and they says it was to improve our wind. Well 
before we was half through I didn't have no wind 
to improve and I suppose some day they will pull 
all our teeth so as we can chew better. At that 
I would of been O.K. only my feet got to hurting 
and now I can't hardly walk and all because the 
shoes they give you are about 6 sizes to small 
and they keep lectureing us about feet hygeine 
but how is a man going to keep your feet O.K. 
when they make you wear shoes that Houdini 
couldn't get in or out of them. 

But listen Al the news about going to Chi isn't 
the only peace of good news I got today because 
I also found out that this bird that Shorty called 
Tom the Trigger isn't no gun man at all and this 
here Nick the Blade won't do nothing to me be- 
cause he is scared of the officers so I won't have 
to lay awake no more nights worring but I didn't 
find it out till today and here is how it come off. 

This A.M. I went to sleep right at breakfast and 
couldn't keep my eyes open so Corporal Daly 



JACK THE KAISER KILLER 39 

come up to me afterwards and asked me what was 
the matter so I told him I was to nervous to 
sleep nights on acct. of a crazy man bunking next 
to me and any minute he might take a notion and 
shoot me full of holes. I didn't say nothing about 
Nick the Blade on the other side of me because 
he was standing where he could hear us. So 
Corporal Daly asked me who I was talking about 
and I told him and he laughed and says that if 
I waited for Castle which is this other bird's 
name to start shooting I would probably die of 
old age or something because he is one of these 
objecters that don't beleive in war and he told 
them about it the first day we got here and says 
he objected to being a soldier. So Capt. Nash 
asked him if he would object to unloading a few 
cars of coal and that is what he has been doing 
up and till last Friday and then he begun object- 
ing to a shovel and he says he would like to join 
the rest of us and see what it was like and maybe 
he would loose his objections. So now they are 
giveing him a week to make up his mind what 
he is going to do and he is talking it over all 
the while with the Lord and if the Lord tells him 
its O.K. to kill people why well and good but 
he won't practice on us because in the first place 
he hasn't no gun and if he had one he wouldn't 
know if it was to shoot with or stir your coffee. 
So afterwards I told Shorty Lahey he had 



4^ TREAT 'EM ROUGH 

made a mistake about Castle and he says '*A1I 
right and if he is a objecter it is up to us to talk 
him out of it." So after supper tonight Castle 
was seting right near me in the recreation room 
and Shorty come up to him and says "Well Castle 
haven't you been able to get that party on the 
wire yet" so Castle asked him what he meant and 
he says he heard Castle was waiting for a message 
from somewheres telling him if he should be a 
soldier or not so Castle didn't answer and begun 
to read. So Shorty says *'You ain't the only 
one that objects to war but we got to make the 
world safe for Democrats and you shouldn't ought 
to object to getting your head bio wed off in a 
good cause." So Castle spoke up and said he 
didn't object to getting kiUed but what he ob- 
jected to was killing other people. So Shorty 
says "Well then all you got to do is stick along 
side of me in the trenches and when you get orders 
to go over the top you can slip me your gun and 
bayonet and I will see that they don't nobody 
sneak off with them dureing your absents." So 
then Castle got up and walked out on us. 

So I says to Shorty I said, "You certainly 
had the wrong dope on that bird and maybe you 
got Sebastian wrong to." So he says "No I 
haven't and I may as well tell you what he told 
me today. He told me he would of cut you up 
in slices long ago only if he done it here in the 




He objected to being a soldier, so Capt. Nash asked him 

if he would object to unloading a few 

cars of coal (p. 39). 



JACK THE KAISER KILLER 43 

camp he wouldn't have no chance to make his get 
away and he is waiting till some time he catchs 
you outside of the camp and then he will go to 
work on you. And if I was you and a married 
man I would rather get it here then in France 
because if you get it here your Mrs. can tend 
the funeral provide it they find enough of the 
slices to make it worth while." 

Well Al he has got a sweet chance to catch 
me outside of the camp because when he is outside 
of the camp I will be inside of the camp and I 
am glad I found out the truth about both he and 
Castle and now maybe I can get some sleep. 

So all and all I feel a whole lot better then 
I did only for my feet but feet or no feet I will 
enjoy myself in Chi and I only wish I was going 
tomorrow instead of wait till Sat. 
Your pal. 

Jack. 



Camp Grant, Oct. 7. 

Tj^RIEND AL: Well Al its Sunday night and 
■*■ I haven't been to Chi or nowheres else and 

I don't care if I ever go anywheres and the sooner 
they send me to France to the front line trenches 
I will be tickled to death. 

Well old pal I decided yesterday a.m. to stay 
here and not go and I made up my mind all of 
a sudden and it was partly because I wasn't feel- 
ing good and my feet pretty near killed me and 
besides they are going to pick some of us out for 
corporals and sargents pretty soon and I figured 
a man would have a better chance of getting a 
officer job if you didn't ask them for leave all 
the while. So as soon as I changed my mind 
about going I found one of the boys that was 
going and asked him to call Florrie up as soon 
as he got to Chi and tell her I couldn't get off 
and for her to come out here today and see me 
and bring little Al. 

Well Al yesterday and today has been the 2 
longest days I ever spent and it seems like a yr. 
since yesterday a.m. and it don't hardly seem 
possible that I was feeling so good yesterday a.m. 
and now I don't care if school keeps or not as 
they say. Yesterday a.m. I was up before the 

45 



46 TREAT 'EM ROUGH 

buggle blowed all ready and so excited I couldn't 
hardly eat breakfast and just before inspections 
Shorty Lahey seen me smileing to myself and 
asked me what was the joke and I told him they 
wasn't no joke only I was going home and he says 
he hoped I would have a good trip and come back 
safe in sound so I said I guessed they wasn't no 
danger of anything happening to me and he says 
"You wUl be O.K. if you keep your eyes open." 
So I said "What do you mean keep my eyes 
open." 

So he says "Your a game bird but they's no 
use of you takeing reckless chances so you want 
to be on the look out every minute till you get 
back." 

So then I asked him what and the hell he was 
talking about and he says "Didn't you know that 
Nick the Blade was going along with you?" 

Well Al it seems like Sebastian got wise that 
I was going home on leave and he seen a chance 
to get even with me for laughing at him or that 
is he thought I was laughing at him but I really 
wasn't but any way as soon as he found out I 
was going he told them his brother in law had 
fell and struck his head on the brass rail and 
was dying and wanted him to come home and they 
eat it up and give him leave. So when Shorty 
tipped me off I said I would wait and go on a 
later train but Shorty says that wouldn't do me 



JACK THE KAISER KILLER 47 

no good because Nick wouldn't be a sucker 
enough to try and pull anything on the train 
amidst all them soldiers but would wait till we 
was in Chi and then he would get his gang and 
lay for me and the way he generally worked was 
come right up to your flat and get you and if 
your wife or kid says I yes or no it would be 
taps for them to. And Nick could come back 
here to camp and they wouldn't never know he 
was mixed up in it. 

Well Al I guess you know I am not scared of 
anything in the world as far as myself personly 
am concerned but Florrie isn't one of the kind 
that would set there in a rocker and pair her 
finger nails while their husband was getting 
massacreed and little Al is a game bird to and 
a chip of the old block and they would both holler 
like a Indian and call for the police and you 
know what would happen to the both of them and 
I wouldn't care for myself but if anything hap- 
pened to them I would feel like I was the murder. 

So while I just laughed at Sebastian and his 
gang on my own acct. I would be a fine stiff to 
in danger my wife and baby and besides as I said 
I eat something for breakfast that didn't set good 
on me and I don't know if it was the coffee or 
the milk or what it was but I eat something that 
was poisoned and that's a fine way to treat 
soldiers is to give them poison food and the easi- 



48 TREAT 'EM ROUGH 

est way to get the Germans killed off would be to 
invite them out here and board a while. And in 
the second place if a man asks for leave when he 
hasn't only been here 2 wks. it would hurt my 
chance to get a corporal or a sargent and any 
^ay I figured Florrie would rather see something 
new like the camp then set through a ball game 
and of course it would be different if I was pitch- 
ing but I suppose it was Faber's turn today and 
I see where Cicotte trimmed them yesterday but 
at that the score would of been 1 and 1 if Felsch 
hadn't of hit that ball out of the park and Sallee 
must be his brother in law or something to give 
him a ball like that to hit. If I was pitching he 
would be lucky to hit one up in the press box. 

So I told Sargent Leslie I wasn't feeling good 
and would he fix it for me to take my leave some 
other time and he says I was the only soldier he 
ever seen that was to sick to go on their leave 
so then I told him my wife and kid was comeing 
out here to see me today and he says all right. 

So I didn't go Al and the funny part of it is 
that somebody must of tipped Sebastian off that 
I wasn't going and what does he do but get his 
leave called off to and he has been here all yester- 
day and today and that proves he is laying for 
me and just wanted to go because I was going 
and it looks like the only way I can ever get away 
from here is sneak out without letting nobody 




Camp Grant must be infected with mormons (p. 51). 



JACK THE KAISER KILLER 51 

know I am going and even then he would probably 
send word to his gang in Chi to keep their eye 
on me till he come. 

I have caught him looking at me 2 or 3 times 
and I had a notion to ask him if he seen anything 
green but what is tlie use Al of starting something 
with a man like lie and if I was to loose my temper 
and bust him Capt. Nash might hear about it and 
shut us both up in the guard house together and 
one or the other of us wouldn't never come out 
alive and which ever one it was it would give the 
camp a black eye. 

Well Al about all I done today was look for 
Florrie and little Al and I didn't give them up till 
5 o'clock tonight because I thought maybe they 
had missed the a.m. trains and would come later 
and every time I seen a woman and kid toddleing 
up the road I would think sure it was them this 
time and I was dissapointed about 30 thousand 
times because they was at least that many women 
and kids here today and if they was all some- 
body's wife Camp Grant must be infected with 
Mormons. 

All the women had baskets and boxs full of pie 
and jell and fried cakes and what all but they 
wasn't no package of goodys with my name and 
address on them Al and they wasn't no little 
schaefer yelling theres daddy when they seen me 
and running up to get huged. 



52 TREAT 'EM ROUGH 

Well Al the man that was to call up Florrie 
come back this p.m. and come in the barracks just 
before I started this letter and I asked him I said 
"Well Bishop did you call up my wife like I told 
you?" His name is Bishop. "Hell" he says "I 
forgot all about it." And honest Al his size is 
all that saved him the little srimph and if he was 
anywheres near a man I would of Bishoped him 
right in the eye. But I managed to keep my 
hands off of him and all as I said was for him 
to get out of my way before it was to late and 
then he begun to whine and says how sorry he 
was and he says "I got some excuse because I 
reached home just in time to be presented with 
a baby girl." 

How is that for an excuse Al and the only 
wonder is that he didn't forget if it was a boy 
or a girl before he got back here but of course 
a man like he wouldn't have nothing but a girl. 
But isn't it just my luck Al for me to trust some- 
body to do something and then for them to go 
and have a baby on me? And I hope every time 
he gos home she is yelling all night with the collect. 
Your pal, 

Jack. 



Camp Grant, Oct. 10. 

T7RIEND AL: Well Al I wrote to Florrie 
-^ Sun. night and told her what had came 
off and about this fat head forgetting to call her 
up and I just got a letter back from her and 
she says her and httle Al both of them cried them- 
self to sleep Saturday night because I didn't show 
up and she had let little Al set up till 9 o'clock 
so as he could see his daddy in a uniform and 
when I didn't come then or Sun. a.m. neither they 
thought I didn't care for them no more so they 
went to the ball game Sun. p.m., and McGraw 
started another left bander and you probably 
read what happened to him and I suppose every- 
body is saying what a whale Faber is and who 
wouldn't be a whale if they get 5 runs for you 
in one inning but even if you are a whale that 
don't excuse you from trying to steal a base that 
one of your own men all ready got there ahead 
of you and hasn't left yet. 

But Florrie and little Al are comeing out here 
next Sunday Al and this time they won't be no 
mix up because I won't depend on no half wit 
that the minute they become a father they go all 
to peaces. 

53 



54 TREAT 'EM ROUGH 

But what I wanted to tell you about was Sebas- 
tian. Well Al Shorty Lahey was trying to make 
me believe this bird was a bad egg and that they 
called him Nick the Blade because he always went 
a round with a knife and whittled you if you 
looked X eyed at him but the next time Shorty 
wants to kid somebody he better try it on some 
yapp that hasn't been in the big league and I 
let him think he was stringing me just to see 
how far he would go with it but if he thought he 
had me fooled the shoes was on his feet not mine. 

Well Al Sebastian's name is just plain Nick 
without no Blade on it and the only blade he 
ever pulled was a blade of grass or something 
because he use to help take care of the grounds 
at Washington Pk. before he was drafted and he 
has been one of my admirers for a long while 
and that is why he kept looking at me and he 
says he use to always try and get to the games 
when it was my turn to pitch and he has been 
wanting to talk to me ever since we been here but 
today was the first time he got up the nerve and 
he never had no intentions of going on leave last 
Sat. and to prove it he showed me a letter he 
got from his wife last Friday and she don't spell 
very good but she spoke in the letter about come- 
ing here to see him this next Sunday and nothing 
about him comeing there to see her and she is 
going to bring their 2 kids along and he says he 



JACK THE KAISER KILLER 55 

sever seen a man with a prettier wind up then I 
got and all together he is O.K. and when Shorty 
trys to make you beleive somebody is a murder 
he ought to pick out a man that looks like the 
part. 

I haven't said nothing to Shorty and I won't 
but what I will do is play a joke on him right 
back only I will make it a good one and not no 
fizzle like some of his. 

And oh yes Al they have sent Castle over to 
the quarter masters dept. and he won't have a 
chance to kill nobody there except when they 
come after a pair of shoes. 

Your pal, 

Jack. 



Camp Grant, Oct. 12. 

r^ RIEND AL: Well old pal I am writeing this 
•^ in the Y. M. C. A. where a man has got 

some chance to hear yourself think as they say 
but if you try and write over in the barracks if 
they don't joggle your arm or tip your seat over 
for a joke they are all the time jabbering back 
and forth in foreign languages till you get so 
balled up that instead of writeing a letter a man 
is libel to make out his will in Eskimo or some- 
thing. 

Speaking about foreign languages Al the next 
time I see you I will be talking French like a 
regular Frenchman and you will have to ask me 
to translate what I am talking about. Of course 
I am just jokeing about that because I wouldn't 
spring a lot of stuff on you that you wouldn't 
understand and I might just as well go up to a 
statue and ask them how their father stood his 
operation or something. But what I am getting 
at is that I am going to join the French lesson 
class here and its something that you don't have 
to belong to it unless you want to but I figure 
a man is a sucker if they don't take advantage of 
a chance like this because in the first place it don't 

57 



58 TREAT 'EM ROUGH 

cost you nothing and in the second place the men 
that knows how to talk French will have all the 
best of it when we get over there because suppose 
you was in Paris and felt like you wanted a glass 
of pilsner and if you said it in French they would 
fetch it to you but if you just said pilsner they 
wouldn't know if you was asking for something 
to drink or a nasal dooch or what not. 

But besides that Al after we get to France the 
French officers will want to tip us off on this and 
that about the Germans and of course they won't 
talk to the privates bat they will only talk to 
the officers and if I am a officer by that time which 
it looks like a cinch I will be one by th.it time 
at the outside why suppose I was standing by 1 
of our genls. and a French gcnl. wanted to tell 
him what was what and etc. but couldn't talk 
nothing but French and our genl. couldn't make 
head or tales of it then I could act like an inter- 
peter between the both of th( m and the first thing 
you know all the higli monkey monks when they 
want to talk back and forth will be pageing Capt. 
Keefe or Major Keefe or whatever officer I am 
by that time. 

Some of the boys laughed at me tonight when 
I told them about going to attend the lessons but 
I will be the one that does the laughing when we 
get across that old pond and Shorty Lahey the 
smart alex that I told you about says to me "We 



JACK THE KAISER KILLER 59 

won't do all our training with the French army 
but we will do some of it with the English army 
so while you are at it you better learn to talk 
English to." So I said "You better learn to talk 
English yourself" and he shut his mouth. 

Well Al Florrie and little Al will be here to 
see me Sunday and I can't hardly wait for them 
to get here and I suppose Florrie will bring along 
some daintys of some kind that she cooked up 
herself or maybe got the swede girl to do it but 
of course I am not worring about whether she 
brings anything or don't bring anything as long 
as she brings herself and the kid only most of 
the wifes that comes out here Sundays brings 
something along to show they been thinking of 
you though if I was most of these birds wifes 
the only time I would think about them would be 
when I said my prayers at night and then I would 
thank God they had joined the army. 
Your pal, 

Jack. 



Camp Geant, Oct. 14. 

T^RIEND AL: WeU Al its Sunday night and 
•^ I been entertaining company. Florrie and 

little Al got out here just after noon and I was 
in the barracks reading about the world serious 
game in Chi yesterday and Florrie says she asked 
1 of the boys where I was at and he told her I 
was polishing the general's shoes and wouldn't he 
do just as well. How is that for a fresh bum Al 
and of course I don't have to polish the general's 
shoes or any shoes and if I could find out who 
it was that Florrie was talking to I would polish 
their jaw for them. 

Well of course Florrie didn't beleive him and 
the next man she asked was Nick Sebastian and 
he come and got me and you ought to seen Florrie 
stair when she got a look at me in my uniform 
and little Al didn't know me at first and when 
Florrie says to him who is it he says it was the 
capt. Well Al it is to soon to be calling me a 
capt. but if they are running this game on the 
square it won't be long and they will be calling 
me more then that. 

Well Florrie handed me a box and she says I 
was to not open it till she was gone and then I 

61 



62 TREAT 'EM ROUtiH 

showed them over the camp and the way the boys 
staired at Florrie I couldn't help from being 
proud of her but of course if some of them had 
of got to fresh I would of fixed them so they 
wouldn't do no stairing for a couple of wks. Se- 
bastian's wife and 2 kids was here to visit him 
and we run into tliem and we all went a round 
together and I made the remark that it would 
be nice for Mrs. Sebastian and her kids and 
Florrie and little Al to all go back to Chi on the 
same train together and it was O.K. with Mrs. 
Sebastian but when I and Florrie was alone to- 
gether for a few minutes she started to ball me 
out for makeing the suggestion and I asked her 
what was the matter with it and she says she 
wasn't going to set in the same seat on the train 
with a woman that looked like she had left home 
before she got up and little Al would probably 
catch something from the 2 Sebastian kids so I 
said that Mrs. Sebastian done real work for a 
liveing and you couldn't expect her to look like 
Sarah Bcrnhart but Florrie is the kind that if 
she takes a dislike towards somebody its good 
night to them and it don't do no good to tell her 
that a person can't help their looks and that is 
all the more reason you should try and not hurt 
their feelings. So Mrs. Sebastian had a round 
trip ticket on the C.B. and Q. and so did Florrie 
but she pretended like her^ was on the I.C. and 




I didn't feel so sorry for him when we opened the boxes 
they had broughten us (p. 65). 



JACK THE KAISER KILLER 65 

thats the way her and little Al went back so they 
wouldn't have to set with the Sebastians and take 
a chance of little Al catching something though 
from what I seen of the Sebastian kids they looked 
as strong as a horse and they wasn't no danger 
of catching nothing from them unless maybe it 
was the banana habit. 

I suppose I would of been a grass widower long 
ago if I was ugly and how will it be if I get shot 
up in the war and Florrie would sew me for a bill 
of divorce on the grounds that I didn't have no 
nose to smell the cooking. 

Well Al after they had gone Sebastian made 
the remark that I had a beautiful wife and I 
couldn't help from feeling kind of sorry for him 
so I says "Never mind old boy" I said to him 
*'as long as your Mrs. is a good mother and will- 
ing to work you should not worry if she is no Eva 
Tanguay." But I didn't feel so sorry for him 
when we opened up the boxs they had broughten 
us and Sebastian's wife had give him doughnuts 
and a pie and part of a cake and goodys of all 
kinds and when I opened up my box it was a lb. 
of candy like you get in a union station for 60 
cts and if it wasn't for the picture of a girl on 
the cover it would be all profit and a man can't 
eat the picture which was the only part of it that 
hadn't ran together like chop sooy and Florrie 
would of made just as big a hit with me if she 



66 TREAT 'EM ROUGH 

had of put in the time bakeing me a mess of cookys 
that she spent toneing up her ear lobs or some- 
thing. 

Well Al I suppose you read about yesterday's 
game in Chi. I been saying right along that the 
White Sox was to lucky to loose and the only 
way I can figure out yesterday's game is that 
they must be a rule in the National League where 
you can't change from 1 pitcher to another 
pitcher till the other team gives their consent. 
From what I read in the papers Sallee could of 
been turned loose with his fast ball in a looking 
glass factory without damageing the goods and 
when Jackson and Collins begins to take a toe 
hold against a left bander its time to summons 
the Red X. You will notice Rowland didn't waist 
no time getting Russell out of there and the next 
time he starts a left bander will be on the training 
trip next spring in Wichita where if you beat 
them to bad they won't give you a card to the 
Elks. 

Your pal, 

Jack. 



Camp Grant, Oct. 16. 

Ji/fY CHER AMI: I suppose you will think 
* "^ I have gone crazy when you read the 
way I started this letter out and you will wonder 
if I have gone crazy. Well Al that is the French 
word for my dear friend in English so you see I 
have not gone crazy after all. I took my first 
lesson last night and it is going to be nuts to 
learn it because most of the words is just like 
English only spelled different and you don't say 
them the same but the man learns us a dozen 
words and tells us how to say them and we keep 
saying them over till we get them down and it 
wont' be long when we got enough of them learned 
so as we can jabber back and, forth in front of 
the boys that didn't have sense enough to learn 
it and they won't know if we are calling them 
names or getting ready to murder them. 

Well Al we had Gen. Barry out overlooking 
us yesterday and he said we was a fine looking 
bunch of soldiers as he even seen and we put in 
most of the day digging trenchs just like the 
ones they got over in Germany and when we get 
them fixed up we will practice fighting for them 
till we can go through them Dutchmen like they 

67 



68 TREAT 'EM ROUGH 

was fly paper and I wouldn't be surprised Al if 
we got word soon to pack up and start because 
Red Sampson one of the boys in our Co. has got 
a brother thats over there all ready and he is 
Gen. Pershing's right hand bower and so he gets 
the dope pretty straight and in a letter Red got 
from him he says Gen. Pershing had asked Secty. 
Daniels to send over the best looking lot of soldiers 
from each camp and from what Gen. Barry said 
about us I suppose we will be the first to go but 
it may not be for a wk. or so because Red said 
he heard we wasn't going till each Co. had a rifle. 
If we do have to go in a hurry I won't be 
able to write you about where we are leaveing 
from and etc. on acct. of the censure because the 
German spy might get next to it and he could 
wire across to Germany and the submarine U 
boats would be on the outlook for us. But be- 
tween you and I Red says we are libel not to go 
where the submarines can get a crack at us but 
we may slip around the other way and light in 
Japan and make the rest of the trip by R.R. and 
he says we may even not go to France but stay 
and help the Russians out. So Shorty Lahey 
was there and he has always got to say some- 
thing so people will thi: k he knows it all so he 
said the Russians didn't need nobody to help them 
out because they were pretty near out now. So 
Red said "You will notice they didn't loose much 



JACK THE KAISER KILLER 69 

ground yesterday" and Shorty says "No they 
only loose 2 miles and they must of been a strong 
east wind blowing but I will bet you that if we 
do make the trip that way we will bump into them 
along about Ogden Utah," So Red says "No 
because if they ever get to Utah they will hide 
in Salt Lake City where the Germans couldn't 
tell them by their beards." So then Shorty seen 
he was getting kidded and shut up. 

This A.M. we spent a half hour listening to a 
speech about the German gas and of course you 
have read about the gas Al and it isn't like regular 
gas but its some kind of poison that the Germans 
lets it loose in the air and it floats across Nobodys 
land and comes to the other trenchs and if you 
haven't got no mask its good night but we are 
all going to have masks to wear so the gas can't 
hurt us. Red says thats one thing where the 
Russians have got it on us and they don't have 
to be scared of dying from gastritis because the 
Germans haven't no gas fast enough to catch up 
with them. 

Well Al the world serious is over just like I 
said it would be with the White Sox winner and 
each one of the boys gets $3600.00 and that 
would of been my share only I loved my country 
more than a few dollars and I bet the boys feel 
kind of ashamed of themself to think I was the 
only one that passed up all that jack to work 



TO TREAT 'EM ROUGH 

for Uncle Sam at $30.00 per mo. but between 
you and I Al I have got a scheme where I will 
make twice that amt. and if some of the rest of 
the boys here thought about it they could do the 
same thing but why should I tip them off because 
you can bet they wouldn't tip me off to a good 
thing if they thought of it first. 

Here is the scheme when a man has got a family 
the govt, keeps out ^ of your pay every month 
or more if you want them to and then the govt, 
sticks the same amt. in with it and sends it to 
your wife or who ever gets it. Say you are a 
private and getting about $30.00 per mo. and 
you tell the govt, to keep out $15.00 of it. So 
the govt, keeps $15.00 and sticks another $15.00 
with it and sends it to your family. 

Well Al I am going to tell them to keep out 
my whole $30.00 per mo. and they will have to 
put another $30.00 with it and send the $60.00 
to Florrie and she won't need it so she can either 
send it to me or salt it away somewheres in my 
name and it means I will be getting $60.00 while 
the rest of them are dragging down $30.00 and if 
it was just luck on my part I wouldn't think it 
was hardly fair but when a man figures something 
out in your head you got a right to take ad- 
vantage of it and a man that give up a big 
league salary and the world serious dough to do 
their bit deserves something extra while the only 



JACK THE KAISER KILLER 71 

way some of the rest of these birds could earn 
$30.00 per mo. outside of the army would be to 
ask for it with a peace of lead pipe. 

Well old pal bon sore for this time and that 
means good night in French and pretty soon I 
will be writeing you a whole letter in French only 
of course I wouldn't do that because it would be 
like waisting that much paper because they 
couldn't nobody in Bedford make heads or tales 
out of it and I might just as well save my labor 
for my pains as they say. 

Your pal, 

Jack. 



Camp Grant, Oct. 18. 

T?RIEND AL: Well old pal I got a peace of 
^ news for you that I bet you will be tickled 

to death for my sake when I tell it to you. I 
guess I told you in my last letter about Gen. 
Barry inspecting us. Well Al I kind of thought 
I seen him looking at me like he liked the way 
I carry myself and etc. but I didn't want to say 
nothing about it till I was sure but after breakfast 
this A.M. Capt. Nash sent for me and when I went 
in his office and saluted he says "Good morning 
Corporal Keefe." Well Al of course that means 
I have been appointed a corporal and of course 
I expected it only I wasn't looking for it so soon 
and while Capt. Nash didn't say nothing it don't 
take no Bobby Burns to figure out that the orders 
come from higher up. 

The corporals and sargents we had at first was 
men from the regular army and they been send- 
ing them away lately and now some of the boys 
from the ranks gets their chance. In order to 
get a corporal or a sergent a man has got to 
have the drills down perfect besides being a perfect 
physical specimen and good appearance and a 
man that the rest of the boys will look up to 

73 



74 TREAT 'EM ROUGH 

him and respect him and a man that don't know 
the meaning of the word fear. Well Al I must 
of filled the bill and I will show Gen. Barry he 
didn't make no mistake. 

My command is made up of 7 men that I am 
the boss of them and they contain Sebastian and 
Red Sampson and Shorty Lahey and a wop named 
Janinny or something and a big stropper named 
Hess and 2 boys named Gardner and Bowen and 
some of them is pretty rough birds but I won't 
have no trouble handleing them because they know 
about my record in baseball and they can't help 
from respecting a man that give up a big salary 
to help Uncle Sam out and the only 1 that might 
try and give me trouble is Lahey and I guess he 
has got better sense then trying some of his funny 
jokes with a corporal because when a private 
monkeys with a officer he is libel to wake up the 
next A.M. with no place to wear his hat. 

Well Al a corporal isn't the highest officer in 
the army but its a step up and everybody has 
got to start at the bottom and Napoleon started 
as a corporal and the soldiers was all nuts about 
him and called him the little Corporal and maybe 
they will give me a nick name like that only of 
course it won't be the little corporal because that 
would be like calling Jess Willard Tiny Jess or 
something and the salary is $36.00 per mo. in- 
stead of $30.00 and with that scheme I got fixed 




The way he throwed bombs he couldn't of took 

a baseball and hit the infield from 

second base (p. 77). 



JACK THE KAISER KILLER TT 

ap with the govt, that will give me twice $36.00 
per mo. or $66.00 and I'll say thats a whole lot 
better then a private at $1.00 per day. 

I have all ready wrote and told Florrie about 
it and I bet she will go crazy when she reads my 
letter and after this when they call her Mrs. 
Keefe she can shrink up her shoulders and say 
"Mrs. Corp. Keefe please" and you will have to 
salute when you see me Al. Of course I mean 
that for a joke because what ever honors I get 
I wouldn't leave them make no difference in our 
friendship and betwen you and I it will always 
be just plain Jack Keefe. 

Well Al we started today learning to throw 
bombs and of course that won't be no trick for 
me and you might say it was waisting time for 
me to practice at it because when my arm feels 
O.K. I can throw in your vest pocket but today 
it was raining and I wouldn't cut loose and take 
chances with my arm because I figure this war 
won't last long and I guess I won't have no trouble 
signing up in the big league at my own turns 
after what I done. But you ought to seen the 
officer that was trying to learn us how and if 
they all throw like he its a wonder they hit Europe 
to say nothing about the Germans. He kept his 
arm stiff like he didn't have no elbow joint and 
he was straight over hand all the while like Reul- 
bach and you know what kind of control he had. 



78 TREAT 'EM ROUGH 

We didn't have no regular bombs but only 
stones and tomato cans but the way he throwed 
he couldn't of took a baseball and hit the infield 
from second base and finely I told him and he 
said yes but if you crooked your arm you would 
wear it out because the regular bombs weighs 
almost 2 lbs. and you had to use a easy motion. 
How is that Al for a fresh bum trying to talk 
to me about easy motions and I had a notion to 
tell him to go back to France with his motions 
but I kept my temper and throwed a few the right 
way till my arm got to feeling sore. 

Well its 10 o'clock and after and I am going 
to turn in and it isn't that I feel sleepy but when 
a man is a officer you feel like you ought to set 
an example to the men. 

Your pal, 

Corp. Jack Keefe. 



Camp Grant, Oct. 22. 

T7RIEND AL: Well Al we had some lessons 
■*■ in trench takeing today and I feel like I 

had been in a football game or something. We 
would climb up out of the trenchs that was sup- 
posed to be the U. S. trenchs and run across No- 
body's Land and take the trenchs that was sup- 
posed to be the German trenchs and clean them 
out with rifles and bayonets and bombs and of 
course we didn't have no real rifles and bombs but 
if we had of and they had been any Germans in 
the trenchs it would of been good night to them. 
We done it over and over till I was pretty near 
wore out but of course I pretended like I was 
fresh as a daisy because a good corporal wouldn't 
never lay down till he was dead and its their 
business to set up an example for the boys and 
inspire them so I kept hollering like Hughey Jen- 
nings or somebody and every time we started out 
of our trenchs I would holler "Come on boys give 
them hell this time" and I guess it made a hit with 
the instructers because they kept smileing at me 
and talking about me between themselfs and I 
could pretty near guess what they said. But of 
course it made Shorty Lahey sore to see me get- 
ting all the attentions and he says to me "Who 

79 



80 TREAT 'EM ROUGH 

do you think you are Jonah Vark?" So I said 
"You tend to your business and show some life or 
I will Jonah Vark you in the jaw." 

So afterwards when we was in the barracks he 
come up and says "If you are playing Jonah 
Vark you should ought to quit telling us to come 
on boys and give them hell because Jonah Vark 
wouldn't never use a word like that." So I said 
"I guess he would say a whole lot worse then that 
if he had a dirty rat like you in his command." 
So that shut him up. 

Tonight they showed us some pictures that was 
supposed to be the West Pt. cadets drilling and 
Capt. Nash says if we ever got so as we could 
drill like that he would quit working us so hard. 
Well Al its all O.K. to hand that stuff to the boys 
that don't know no more then to fall for it but 
I hope they didn't suppose I was a sucker enough 
to think those was real pictures but of course I 
wouldn't say nothing because if looking at a lot 
of fake pictures makes the boys work harder the 
sooner we will get sent to France. 

I was just talking to Red Sampson and he was 
telling me about a bird named Chambers in Co. 
A and it shows some people don't know when they 
have got a good thing and don't appreciate what 
people trys to do for them. I remember this bird 
comeing out with us on the train and they 
wouldn't nobody go near him on acct. of him being 



JACK THE KAISER KILLER 81 

such a bum and Red says he heard that for a 
while after we got here they had to chase this 
bird under the shower bath with a bayonet and 
he done most of his drilling in the guard house. 
So finely his captain told him he wouldn't stand 
for no more of his monkey business and he would 
call him up in front of the court marshall if he 
didn't behave himself. 

So then Chambers says all right he would make 
a new start and sure enough he cut it all out and 
begin to take a pride in himself and got the drills 
down pat and kept clean and his captain wanted 
to show him it payed to be a man and he made a 
corporal out of him. 

Well Al you can't break the rules when you 
are a corporal no more than a private but this 
bird went to Chi the day before yesterday on a 
leave and he was supposed to be back at 11 p.m. 
last night but he don't show till 2 a.m. and he 
was all lit up like the City of Benton Harbor and 
of course the guard nailed him and he got called 
up before his captain and he busted him and I 
don't mean he cracked him in the jaw but when 
a man gets busted in the army it means you get 
reduced to a private. So I said to Red what a 
sucker this bird was and Red says maybe he 
wanted to get busted because a corporal has got 
such a load on their shoulders that lots of men 
would rather be a private. So I said it must be 



82 TREAT 'EM ROUGH 

a fine kind of a man that would turn down a job 
in the army because it was a tough job and Red 
says "Yes but everybody ain't like you and some 
men don't want no responsibility but you are one 
of the kind that the more they have the better 
they like it and everybody could see you was a 
born leader the way you acted in that trench drill 
today." 

So I suppose after all a man like Chambers 
has no business in a job like corporal because it 
is a cinch nobody would ever call him a bom 
leader unless it was in the gin league but still a 
person would think he would try and behave him- 
self after the captain give him that chance but 
still I should not worry and it is none of my 
business and all I got to do is set up the right 
kind of an example for my own command and 
leave the rest of them take care of themselfs. 

Your pal, 

Jack. 



Camp Grant, Oct. 23. 

T^RIEND AL: Well I have quit takeing 
-^ French class lessons and I quit because 

I felt it wasn't fair to either myself or Capt. 
Nash because when a man is a corporal its all 
head work you might say and a man ought to 
keep their mind on their job evenings as well 
as day times and I felt like I couldn't do that 
and be monking with French at the same time 
and it would be like as if I was back pitching 
baseball and trying to learn to play a saxophone 
or something at the same time and in the evenings 
when I ought to be figureing out how to pitch to 
Pipp instead of that I would have my mind on 
what keys to blow next though of course I just 
say that for a comparison because I could learn 
how to play the whole band and still make a 
sucker out of that bird because all you got to 
do is to pitch outside. But besides that I figured 
that the man who was trying to learn us French 
didn't know what he was talking about and what 
is the use of learning it wrong and then you got 
to start all over again when we got over there. 
For inst. he asked me what was the English word 
for very in French so I knew it was tres so I 
said tres and he says no it was tray because you 

83 



84 TREAT 'EM ROUGH 

say the letter e like it was the letter a and you 
don't pay no attention to the letter s. So I 
asked him what it was there for then and he said 
that was just the French of it so I had a notion 
to tell him to go and take a jump in the lake 
but I decided to just say nothing and quit. I 
guess the French people are not crazy and they 
wouldn't nobody but a crazy man stick a letter 
in a word and then make up their mind to ignore 
it you might say and it would be just like as if 
I wanted a beer and I would go up to the bar and 
say "Give me a bee" and I guess the man would 
think I thought I was in a bee hive or something 
or else he would think I had a bee in my bonnet 
eh Al? 

But laying all jokes to one side I have got to 
much on my mind to be fooling with it and besides 
I put in a week on it and I figure I have got it 
down good enough so as I can get by and besides 
I am one of those kind that don't have much to 
say but when theys something to be done you 
don't have to send no blood hounds to find where 
I am at. 

Red Sampson got another letter today from 
his brother in France and Red says his brother 
and Pershing was right up close to the front 
where they could see the fighting and they was 
a big battle in Sept. that the papers didn't get 
a hold of it and about 2500 Frenchmen was killed. 



JACK THE KAISER KILLER 85 

So Shorty Lahey asked if they was all privates 
and Red says No that in the French army they 
have things different and you don't often see a 
private killed but when theys 25000 men killed 
you can figure that at least 20000 of them was 
corporals and sargents because the corporals and 
sargents has to go out in front of all the charges. 
Well Al I am glad its different in the U. S. 
army but at that I am not the kind of a man 
that would hang back for the fear of getting a 
bullet in me and if I was I would resign from 
my command and tell them to get somebody else. 

Your pal, 

Jack. 



Camp Grant, Oct. 24. 

T^RIEND AL: Well Al this was Liberty Day 
"*" and we had a parade inRockford and they 

was also some baU games out here and that is 
the boys thought they was playing ball and every- 
body was crazy I should pitch for one of the 
teams but in the first place I didn't feel like it 
would be fair and besides I figure its bad dope for 
the officers to mix up with the men and play games 
with them and etc. and thats not because I think 
I am any better then anybody else but if you hold 
yourself off they respect you that much more and 
I have noticed that Capt. Nash and the lieuts. 
don't hang a round with nobody only themselfs 
and when it comes to the majors and colonels I 
guess they don't even speak to their own wife 
only when they are danceing maybe and step on 
each others ft. 

Well Al I decided today to not try and work 
that little scheme I had about alloting my whole 
salary to Florrie and then the govt, would put 
the same amt. with it and I would be salting away 
$66.00 per mo. instead of $36.00 and I was talk- 
ing to Corp. Haney about it and he says it 
couldn't be done and I don't know about that 
but any way I figured it wouldn't be fair to the 

87 



88 TREAT 'EM ROUGH 

rest of the boys so I am going to allot $18.00 
per mo. to Florrie to keep for me and that leaves 
me $18 per mo. to spend that is it leaves me that 
amt. on paper but when you come to figure it 
out Al I am paying $5.60 for soldiers insurance 
and $10.00 per mo. for another liberty bond I 
bought and that leaves me $2.40 per mo. to spend 
and how is that for a man that was drawing a 
salary in the big league but at that I have got 
it on some of the privates that gives up the same 
amt. for insurance and a liberty bond and they 
only gets $30.00 per mo. and % of that amt. 
gos to their wife so when it comes to the end of 
the month they owe $.60 for being a soldier. 

Speaking about the soldiers insurance with the 
kind I got if I was disabled they would have to 
give me $50.00 to $60.00 per mo. on acct. of 
me haveing Florrie and little Al and that would 
come in handy Al if I got my right arm shot 
off and couldn't pitch but at that I know birds 
in the big league now thats drawing $400.00 to 
$500.00 per mo. and as far as their pitchings 
conserned they might just as well have both their 
arms shot off and include their head. 

Well anyway we won't have to practice fighting 
no more with broom sticks and cans and etc. be^ 
cause Sargent James told us tonight that the 
rifles was comeing so I said to my boys that I 
hoped they was good shots so we could make a 




Corporal don't carry no arms of any kind and all he is 
is a kind of decoy to kep the Germans- 
shooting f^p. 91). 



JACK THE KAISER KILLER 91 

sucker out of the other squads and I told them 
if they was all as good a shot as me I wouldn't 
have no kick because I figure that anybody thats 
got as good control when they throw or pitch 
should certainly ought to shoot straight. So Red 
Sampson says that if I was in the French army 
it wouldn't do me no good to be a crack shot 
and I asked him why not and he says the corporals 
in the French army are not allowed to carry no 
guns but all they was supposed to do was run 
ahead of the privates and draw the fire and maybe 
if the Germans happened to not hit them they 
could pull out their scissors and cut the bob wire 
untanglements so as the privates wouldn't have 
no trouble getting in to the German trenchs where 
they could use their bayonets. 

Red says ''^Instead of the pollutes trying to 
get to be a corporal they try not to because when 
they appoint you a corporal in the French army 
its a good night kiss and of course its a honor 
at that because it shows they think you are a 
game bird and don't care for your own life as 
long as you help the cause and that is why they 
picked you out. Because a corporal don't carry 
no arms of any kind and all he is is a kind of a 
decoy to kep the Germans shooting at him so as 
to protect the regular soldiers and that is why 
over 80% of the casualty s in the French army 
is corporals." 



m TREAT 'EM ROUGH 

Well Al as I said before I am not in the French 
army and I should worry about what they do to 
corporals in the French army. 

I pretty near forgot to tell you that I am 
going home on leave Saturday and you can bet 
I am going this time sick or no sick because from 
all the rumors a round the camp we might be 
leaveing for across the pond any day now 
specially with the rifles comeing and that makes 
it look like we would soon be on our way 
and if I didn't see Florrie and little Al 
before I left it would probably be the last time 
I would see them because something tells me Al 
that if I go over there I won't never come back. 

Your pal, 

Jack. 



Camp Grant, Oct. 26. 

T^RIEND AL: Well don't be surprised if you 
"*" read in the paper any a.m. where our regt. 

has been ordered to France but of course I don't 
suppose they would come out in the paper with 
it because General Pershing don't want it to get 
out what regts. is over there and probably you 
won't hear nothing about it when we do go be- 
cause they won't be no chance for me to write 
to you and if you don't hear from me for a long 
while you will know we have gone and the next 
time you hear from me will be from over there. 

I got the dope tonight from Red Sampson and 
he heard it from one of the men that was on guard 
yesterday and this man heard the Col. telling 
Capt. Gould of Co. B that General Pershing had 
sent for the best looking regt. out here and Gen. 
Barry had recommended our regt. and from what 
Red says we will probably go in a week or so and 
he don't know if we are going by the way of the 
Atlantic or the Pacific but all as I hope is that 
we get there before the war is over. 

I am certainly glad now that I arranged for 
leave this wk. end because it will give me a chance 
to fix my affairs up before I go and if anything 

93 



94 TREAT 'EM ROUGH 

should happen to me they wouldn't be no trouble 
for Florrie about property and etc. I certainly 
wish I had enough so as I could leave you and 
Bertha something to help you along old pal and 
maybe if they had give me more time I could of 
fixed things up but all as I can leave you now 
is my friendship and remember that if anything 
happens I was your old pal and you boys that 
stays home is the ones we are laying down our 
life for and if it wasn't for men like we where 
would you be at Al and your familys? 

Well Al I am proud of my squad the way they 
took the news and we was the only ones that 
knew about it and yet they wasn't a man in my 
command that didn't act like he was tickled to 
death and thats the right kind of a spirit and 
I spoke about it to Red Sampson. I said "I am 
proud of all of you because instead of you whine- 
ing and putting on a long face you all act like yon 
was going to a picnic or something." So Red 
says he guessed the rest of the boys and him 
didn't have no license to cry as long as I kept up 
my spirits. He says "Maybe it would be different 
if we was all corporals because then it would seem 
like we was leaveing home forever. But you are 
the bird thats takeing the chance and if you can 
keep smileing we would be a fine bunch if we 
broke down and begun to whine and I don't sup- 
pose theys a man amongst us that has thought 



JACK THE KAISER KILLER 95 

about danger to themselfs but its all whats going 
to happen to you." 

Well Al thats the kind of a bunch to have under 
you and it makes a man think of Napoleon and 
how his men looked up at him. 

Well maybe you won't get no more letters from 
me that is if the call comes before I leave to- 
morrow for Chi but if I get there O. K. I will 
write to you from there because probably by the 
time I get back here the orders will be to pack 
up and move and then I won't have no time to 
write. 

Your pal, 

Jack. 



Chicago, Oct. 28. 

T^RIEND AL: Well Florrie is still in the hay 
-*• yet and little Al is playing with himself 

on the floor and reading the pictures in the Sun- 
day A. M. paper and I thought I would sleep late 
this A. M. but when a man gets in the habit of 
wakeing up early you get so as you can't sleep 
after you wake up once and thats the way it was 
with me. 

Well Al I suppose you will be surprised at me 
saying it but I pretty near wish I wasn't no officer 
but just a private like at first and I got a good 
notion to go back to the camp like Chambers did 
behind time and % stewed and the reason I feel 
like that is because I have got attached to my 
boys and I would pretty near rather give up 
going to France all together then quit them be- 
cause it seems like it wouldn't be hardly fair to 
leave them now that they have got so as they 
look up at me and I figure that even if I wasn't 
a corporal no more but just 1 of them I could 
do more good then if I quit them entirely. 

I suppose you will wonder what I am get- 
ting at Al. Well on the train comeing from 
Rockford yesterday I was setting with Shorty 

97 



98 TREAT 'EM ROUGH 

Lahey and he was on leave to and I know its a 
mistake sometimes for a officer to pal a round 
with their men but I set with him on the train 
because I can't stand it to hurt a man's feehngs 
and Shorty's hearts in the right place with all 
his jokeing and etc. So we set down together 
on the train and got to talking things over and 
he says "Well Keefe you have got to be a cor- 
poral and that means you have made good and 
I wish I was in your shoes." 

So I said that if he took care of himself and 
minded his business they wasn't no reason why 
he wouldn't be advanced higher up the ladder 
some time in the future and he says "Yes but 
now is the time I would like to be in your shoes 
because I would like to get over to France and 
get in it." So I asked him what he meant and 
he says the dope Red Sampson was giving me was 
part of it right and part of it wrong and the 
right dope was that General Pershing hadn't sent 
for our whole regt. but what he had sent for was all 
the non commission officers out of the regt. and 
that means aU the corporals and sergents and they 
was the only ones going this time because the 
French army had ran out of non commission 
officers and General Pershing was going to lend 
them the best ones we had over here in training. 

So I said "Well it looks like I was elected and 
its 100 to 1 that I won't never come back." So 




Florrie is still in the hay yet and little Al 
is playing on the floor (p. 97). 



JACK THE KAISER KILLER 101 

Shorty says "Oh I don't know about that and 
I think Red Sampson is wrong about them killing 
all them corporals because from what I heard 
they's a few of them they don't try and kill so 
they can take them prisoner and get information 
off them." 

So I said "They would have a hell of a chance 
getting information off me because they could kill 
me before I would spill anything." So Shorty 
says "You might not spill nothing at first but 
you would be a game bird if you stuck through 
all the tortures because when they ask you some- 
thing and you don't tell them they cut off a 
couple of toes and see if that won't make you 
talk and so on till you don't hardly know if you 
are alive but if you are game enough to stand 
all they give you why finely they will see what 
a game bird you are and then they finish you 
off so you won't suffer no more. But if you tell 
them all you know right at first they won't do 
nothing to you only of course you will be a 
prisoner there in Germany till the war is over 
and they make you work your head off without 
no food and they don't even feed the guards be- 
cause they want to keep them mad at the prisoners 
so as they will make them work harder and every 
time you act like you was loafing or something 
the guards scratchs their initials in you with their 
bayonet." 



102 TREAT 'EM ROUGH 

So I asked him where he got his dope and he 
says he didn't know if it was all true or not but 
his wife's 2 brothers was in the German army and 
they had wrote home about it and maybe it was 
all bunk. 

Well Al I figured I would take Florrie to a 
show somewheres last night because maybe it 
would be the last time but after supper I felt 
kind of sick on acct. of the change in food and 
I asked Florrie if she would just as leave stay 
home so I went to bed early and I thought I 
would get a good rest but I didn't get no sleep 
and as I said I couldn't sleep this a. m. and now 
I am waiting for her to get up for breakfast. 

I only wish they was some way for me to get 
out of this corporal and it isn't that I can't 
handle it but it seems like a shame to leave the 
other boys that almost worships me you might 
say and here is little Al playing on the floor and 
if his daddy was just a private I might maybe 
stay at Camp Grant all winter and come in and 
see Florrie and he every month. 

Your pal, 

Jack. 



Camp Geant, Oct. 30. 

ZpRIEND AL: Well Al I am not going to 
-*• France at all that is right away and this 

time I got the dope straight from Capt. Nash and 
not from no Lahey or Sampson. 

Here is the way I come to find out Al. I was 
supposed to get back in camp Sunday night but 
I missed the train out of Chi and I took the first 
train yesterday a. m. and I got reported for being 
A. W. O. L., and that means I was absent with- 
out no leave so I got called up in the orderly 
room in front of Capt. Nash. 

So he says "Well Keefe don't tell me your aunt 
died." So I asked him what he meant because I 
haven't no aunt only by marriage that lives down 
in Texas. So he says "Do you know what we 
could do to you for being A. W. O. L." So I said 
"I suppose you could bust me." So he says "Yes 
and that isn't all. If you was drunk or some 
excuse like that we could have you out in front 
of a fireing party or if we wanted to go easy 
with you we could send you down to Ft. Leaven- 
worth for 10 yrs." So I said "I wasn't drunk 
sir and all the trouble was that I missed a train 
out of Chi and I didn't miss it more than 2 min- 
103 



104 TREAT 'EM ROUGH 

utes." So he says "Well 2 minutes and 2 wks. 
don't make no difference in this game. But you 
have been behaving yourself O.K. and we got a 
fine record in this Co. and I don't want to loose 
no non commission officers because I haven't got 
none now thats worth a dam. So you see that you 
don't miss no more trains because the next time 
it wiU go a whole lot different. You are excused 
only that you won't get no more leave for a 
month." 

So I said thank you sir and told him I was 
sorry because I was in a hurry to get to France 
and didn't want nothing to come up to interfere 
with me going and he says "You don't want to 
go no more then I do but it looks like we would all 
be here tiQ we die of old age." So I asked him 
if the corporals wasn't going ahead of the rest 
of the bunch and he says the corporals would go 
with the privates unless they was all shot by that 
time for being A. W. O. L. 

So here I am Al and I have told the boys I 
was not going to quit them and I never seen 
nobody so tickled. Well Al I am glad to in a 
way and on the other hand its a big dissapoint- 
ment but a man has got to learn to swallow their 
dissapointments in the army and take what comes. 

Your pal. 

Jack. 



Camp Geant, Nov. 4. 

ly* RIEND AL: Well Al they have begin to bust 
"*■ up our regt. and take men away from it 

and the men they take will get to France before 
the rest of us the lucky stiffs but they don't send 
them right to France from here but they send 
them down south to the national guards camps 
and fill up the national guards with them and the 
national guards are going to get across the pond 
first because Secty. Daniels wants to save the 
good regts. for the finish. 

Well Al they can't send me to France to soon 
but it looks like they wasn't a chance for a man 
like I to get sent with the national guards because 
the men we are sending down south is the riff and 
raff you might say who we want to get rid of 
them so when Secty. Daniels sends word that the 
national guards at such and such a place wants 
7 or 800 men the officers here picks them out from 
amidst the kitchen policemen and the guard house. 

It looks now like the real soldiers that they got 
here would be here maybe all winter but between 
you and I Al I got a scheme to beat that game. 
I found out today that they are going to start a 
oflScers training camp here in Jan. and if a man 

105 



106 TREAT 'EM ROUGH 

makes good in it they will give him a lieut. or a 
capt. and they won't be no riff and raff allowed 
in the camp only men that would make a good 
officer so I guess I won't have no trouble getting 
in the camp and once I win my lieut. or capt. 
bars they will probably send me straight to 
France to take command. 

Things are going along O. K. without much 
news to write about. Sarah Bemhart the French 
comedian was in Rockford Friday and come out 
to give the boys a treat and for some reason 
another the most of the boys fell all over their 
self trying to get up close to her and get her to 
smile at them. Well Al everybody to their own 
taste but from what I seen of her she would be 
perfectly safe around me and if she is a day old 
she is 50 yrs. old and I will bet money on it. Any 
way I wouldn't trade Florrie for a dozen like she. 

Your pal, 

Jack. 



Camp Grant, Nov. 7. 

77^ RIEND AL: Here is one for you Al and its 
-^ just between you and I because I wouldn't 

have no one else hear about it for the world. 
Yesterday we was all presented with some sox 
made out of knitting and they come in a bunch 
from the Red X and when I was going to bed I 
thought I would try mine on and see if they fit 
and if they didn't maybe I could trade with some- 
body that they did. Well Al I stuck my foot 
down in 1 of them and my toe run into something 
funny and I pulled my foot out and stuck my 
hand down in it and pulled out a note that was 
folded in side of the sock. Well of course I 
opened the note up and read it and I will copy 
down what it said. It says ''Dear Soldier Boy, 
you may never see me but if you can spare time 
to write me just a few lines it will make me hap- 
pier than any one in the world for I am oh so 
lonesome. You won't disappoint me will you 
Soldier Boy?" And it was signed Lone Star but 
down below she had wrote her name and address. 
Her name is Miss Lucy Chase and she lives in 
Texas. 

Well Al I can't help from feeling sorry for her 
107 



108 TREAT 'EM ROUGH 

and if it wasn't for Florrie and little Al I would 
write her a note back and thank her for the sox 
though between you and I they are to small and 
try and say something that would cheer her up. 
But of course Florrie wouldn't like for me to do 
it and a married man shouldn't ought to be monk- 
ing around like that and lead a girl on though of 
course if I did write to her the first thing I 
would tell her would be that I am married. 

But what has been puzzling me is where she 
seen me. Maybe it was 1 of the times we played 
in Texas in the spring trip either that or she 
seen my picture somewheres. Well Al it must of 
been a picture without my feet in it or she would 
of made the sox bigger and I wish she had of 
because I don't feel like tradeing them off to 
nobody now that I know they was made for me by 
a admirer. Laying all jokes to 1 side I do feel 
sorry for the girl and if she had of made herself 
known to me a few years sooner things might 
of been different. Don't say nothing about this 
even to Bertha because I don't want it to get all 
over Bedford. I am not the kind that brags 
around about their admirers especially when its 
a girl. 

I thought once or twice today that I would 
just drop her a card pretending like the sox fit 
me to a tea and thanking her for them and giving 
a hint that I was a married man but on second 




Everybody cut loose and sung and you could 
of heard us in Beloit. 



JACK THE KAISER KILLER 111 

thoughts I guess its better to just let the whole 
affair drop right here. 

They sprung a new one on us last night. Word 
come from the head quarters that everybody had 
to learn to sing and last night was the first lesson 
and they was about 3000 of us and the teacher 
was a bird named Nevin and he got up in front 
and started out on Keep the home fires burning 
and said we was to all join in. Well Al for some 
reason another everybody but he had the lockjaw 
and as far as we was concerned the fires would of 
all died out. Most of our gang is from Chi where 
they leave takeing care of the furnace to the 
janitor. He tried 2 or 3 other songs but we was 
all deaf and dumb mutes and he finely give up 
and says he would try some other time when the 
cat didn't have a hold of our tongue so on the 
way back to quarters everybody cut loose and 
sung and you could of heard us in Beloit. We 
got a lot of good singers right in our Co. that can 
hit the minors to but we are not going to bust 
out on no teacher's say so like we was in kinder- 
garden or something. 

Well Al I am going to break into a new game 
football. They are getting up a club here in 
camp to play against the Great Lakes navy and 
the Camp Custer club up in Mich, and they want 
all the men thats played football to come out 
and try for the club here. Well I never played 



in TREAT 'EM ROUGH 

but I told them I did and they won't know the 
difference when they see me because when a man 
is a born athelete they can play any game and 
especially a college Willy boy game like football. 
I seen one of their college games out to the uni- 
versity in Chi once and a man built like I could 
of made a sucker out of both clubs. 

The capt. of the camp club here is Capt. Whit- 
ing and he played with the university of Chi and 
they got some other would be stars like Shiverick 
that played with the Ithaca club down east and 
Schobinger or something from Champlain college 
here in 111. and a man from Princeton name Eddy 
something. Well I will show them something be- 
fore I get through with them because an athelete 
has got to be born and you can't make them out 
of college Willy boys that stays up all night 
doing the foxy trot and gets stewed on chocolate 
and whip cream. 

Your pal, 

Jack. 



Camp Grant, Nov. 10. 

jr7^ RIEND AL : Well Al I suppose you read in 
-^ the papers about that troop train that a 

gang of spys tried to wreck it and it was a train 
full of burglars from here that we sent down to 
Camp Logan to fill up the national guards and the 
papers made out like the people that tried to 
wreck it was pro German spys but if you had 
of seen the birds that was on the train you 
wouldn't believe it because they wouldn't no Ger- 
mans waist their time on them because they will 
all kill each other anyway before they get to 
France. One of the birds on it was Shorty Lahey 
that I all ready told you about him and when 
the national guards sees him they will just about 
declare war against Camp Grant. 

Well Al you remember me writeing to you about 
that little girl down in Texas that sent me the 
note in the sox. Well I got to thinking it over 
and the more I thought about it I got to think- 
ing that it wasn't the square thing to not pay no 
attention to her when she maybe wore her hands 
to the bone and strained her eyes so as my feet 
would keep warm so finely I set down and answered 

lis 



114 TREAT 'EM ROUGH 

her back and I didn't say nothing mushy of course 
but just a friendly note to let her know I re- 
ceived the SOX and I told her they was a perfect 
fit and I asked her where it was she ever seen me 
or my picture or how she come to pick me out 
and I didn't tell her nothing about being married 
because what would be the use of hurting her and 
they can't be no harm done because we will never 
meet and as soon as she writes and tells me where 
she seen me that will end it. But I just couldn't 
stand it to think of the poor kid running to the 
door every time the mail man come and maybe 
crying when they wasn't nothing for her. I guess 
Florrie wouldn't have no objections under the cir- 
cumstances but if she did find out and start to 
ball me out I would tell her to take a jump in the 
lake because she never even mended me a pair 
of SOX to say nothing about knit them. I also 
asked the girl to send me a picture of herself 
because it tickles them to be asked for their pic- 
ture and of course as soon as I get it I will tear 
it up but she won't know that. 

Well Al I decided to not play on the football 
club here after all. In the 1st. place theys 3 or 
4 privates trying for the club and I don't believe 
in mixing up with them to much and if Whiting 
and them other officers wants to all right, but 
that don't make it all right in my mind. And 




3 or 4 of us bumped into each other and I got 
a kick in the head (p. 117). 



JACK THE KAISER KILLER 117 

besides I figured it wasn't fair to either myself 
or Capt. Nash to run the risk of getting hurt in 
some fool game to say nothing about learning a 
lot of fool signals that don't mean nothing but 
just learning them takes up your time that you 
ought to spend thinking how to improve your 
command. And another thing the minute they 
started to practice I seen they didn't know the 
£;ame and they will get licked every time they 
play and I can't stand to be with a looser. They 
talked about what a great kicker this Shiverick 
is but I watched him trying to kick gools and he 
missed 3 out of 10 and one of them rolled right 
along the ground like a baby had kicked it. 

Capt. Whiting come up to me when I come out 
on the field and asked me my name and etc. and 
what position did I play and I told him center 
rush or tackle back it didn't make no difference. 
So he asked me what college I played at and I 
told him Harvard which was the 1st. thing that 
come into my head. So he says "All right we 
need a good tackle back so you can play there 
now in signal practice" so they lined up and I 
stood back of the center rush and they called 
out some numbers and throwed the ball to one of 
them and 3 or 4 of us bumped into each other 
and fell down and I got a bad kick in the head 
but it wasn't bad enough to make me quit but 



118 TREAT 'EM ROUGH 

what is the use of takeing chances. They can 
have their football Al if they want to waist the 
govt, time but I got enough to think about think- 
ing about winning this war. 

Your pal, 

Jack. 



Camp Grant, Nov. 14. 

T7RIEND AL: Well this was our day out to 

the rifle range and I'll say Secty. Daniels 

better hurry up and send some teachers here that 

knows their business. But wait till you hear 

about it. 

In the 1st. place it was a rotten day and a bad 
wind and so dark you couldn't hardly see and 
they ought not to of made anybody try to shoot. 
Well they had some targets that they said was 
100 yds. from where we was to shoot from but it 
was more like ^ of a mile and they said 100 
yds. so we would think it was closer. Well the 
idear was that etich guy was to shoot 10 times and 
if you hit the target it counted 1 pt. and if you 
hit the bulls eye it counted 5 pts. so if you hit 
the bulls eye every time you got 50 pts. but no- 
body in the world could do that the way they 
made us shoot. What do you think of them make- 
ing a man lay on their stomach to shoot instead 
of standing up and I suppose if the Germans got 
100 yds. from us we would aU lay there like we 
had a stomache and let them come. Somebody 
said we layed that way so as to give them less 
mark to shoot at. How is that for fine dope.f* 

119 



120 TREAT 'EM ROUGH 

Because if you was laying on your stomach face- 
ing them and they hit you at all they couldn't 
hit you nowheres only in the head and kill you 
where if you was standing up straight they would 
be more libel to hit you anywheres except in the 
head and maybe you would get off with a flesh 
wound or something. 

Well 1 of the smart aleck lieuts. started out 
and hit the bulls eye 8 times and the target the 
other 2 times and that give him 42 and he swelled 
up like a poison pup but the way the wind was 
blowing you could tell it was just a accident be- 
cause if he had of really shot at the target the 
wind would of carried his shots to hell and gone 
away from it but what he done was shoot with 
his eyes shut and the wind done the rest of it 
for him. So some of the other boys shot and 
some of them had a lot of luck and Red Sampson 
got 38 and finely it come my turn and I was dizzy 
from something I eat and besides by that time 
it was so dark you couldn't hardly make out 
where the target was and I was all cramped up 
laying there but at that I just missed the bulls 
eye the 1st. time and finely quit with 8. So after- 
wards Red Sampson asked me how it come I 
didn't have a expert rifle shooter's meddle on me 
trying to kid me. So I said "I never had to shoot 
for a liveing because I could go out and pitch 
baseball and make real money where a man like 



JACK THE KAISER KILLER 121 

you every time the family wanted meat for dinner 
they would send you out to shoot a snake or a 
tom cat or something." So it was him that got 
kidded. 

Well Al I will be shooting with the best of them 
as soon as I get the nack and when they get a 
man here to learn us that knows his business and 
pick out a day when the wind ain't blowing a mile 
a minute and pitch dark. 

I haven't had no answer from that little girl 
down in Texas and I hope she has got over her 
infatuation and decided to forget me. 

Your pal, 

Jacx. 



Camp Grant, Nov. 17. 

T^RIEND AL: WeU Al what do you think I 
got a letter from the girlie down in Texas 
and the poor kid has gone crazy over me and I 
only wish they was some way to stop her because 
of course it has got to end right here and I will 
just have to drop her a line and tell her the truth 
that I am a married man and the best thing she 
can do is try and forget. But I am afraid it 
will be pretty hard for her and I only wish she 
hadn't never seen or heard about me. 

For some reason another she won't tell me 
where it was she seen me or she won't send me 
no picture because she says I might show it to 
the boys and laugh over that little girl down in 
Texas and of course I wouldn't do nothing like 
that and she wouldn't think so if she knew me 
better. Here is what her letter says. 

My Soldier Boy, so you are an officer now. 
Well that is just grand and I feel all the hap- 
pier and prouder to hear from you. No Soldier 
Boy I won't tell you where I saw you. You will 
just have to guess. Don't you remember that 

day at ? If you don^t I won't teU you. And 

I won't send you my photo because I know what 

123 



124 TREAT 'EM ROUGH 

soldier boys are. You would show it to every- 
body in camp and you would all have a good 
laugh over the little f — 1 woman down in Texas 
who is fond of you. Well Boy we will probably 
never see each other unless you should happen to 
be sent to one of the camps down here. Is there 
any chance of that Soldier Boy? So you quit a 
job in the big league to fight for Uncle Sam? 
That was fine of you and makes me all the prouder 
to have your friendship. I am glad you like the 
hose I knitted for you. Do you want some more 
or can I make you a helmet or a sweater or some- 
thing? Just say what you need and I will make 
my needles fly to furnish you with it. And write 
to me soon. We are so far apart that it takes 
your letters days and days to reach me. Au 
revoir for this time Big Boy. 

Well Al I can't remember to save my soul where 
it was I and she could of met. Maybe I could 
if she had of put the name of the town in her 
letter but she just left a dash like I copied it. I 
been trying to think up all the girls I met in 
different towns while I was with the ball club and 
I can remember a lot of them but nobody named 
Chase but of course she might of give me a fake 
name the time we met. 

Well as I say theys only the 1 thing to do and 
that is drop her a line and say how things stand 
with me and for her to forget about me. Its 



JACK THE KAISER KILLER 125 

mighty nice of her to oifer to knit me them other 
articles but of course I can't ask her to under 
the circumstances and all I can do is just to call 
it off or maybe it would be better to not write to 
her back but just leave her guess the truth only 
I am afraid she would think I was a bum to not 
acknollege her letter. I wish they was somebody 
to advice me what to do but I guess I can't look 
for no help from you along those lines eh Al? 
You never had them looseing their heads and 
makeing garments for you and etc. 

I pretty near forgot to tell you that these 
college Willy boys got cleaned up 9 to 6 in their 
game with the sailors from the Great Lakes and 
the sailors made a monkey out of them and they 
wasn't a kid on the sailors club that is 20 yrs. 
old. I bet Capt. Whiting would of gave his right 
eye for a good husky tackle back when them 
sailors was pushing his Willys around the field. 

Your pal, 

Jack. 



Camp Grant, Nov. 22. 

TJ^ RIEND AL: Well they have just sent away 
-*• another train load of the boys to 1 of 

the national guards and if they keep it up we 
won't have more then 30 or 40 left to a Co. I wish 
I was with the boys that went but theys no chance 
of that because they are keeping the best men 
here so as we will be all together when they get 
ready to send us across. And it looks like I 
won't be able to get into the officers training 
camp because I heard today that they won't 
leave nobody in that can't talk all the languages 
of the ally countrys. Red Sampson heard 2 of 
the lieuts. talking about it and 1 of them was 
saying how even the college boys would have to 
hustle between now and Jan. because while most 
of them could talk French and Italian they was 
very few colleges where you can learn Roman 
and Australian and etc. so it looks like I would 
be bared out because while I might pick up the 
French and maybe 1 or 2 others I couldn't pos- 
sibly master 8 or 9 languages in hardly a month 
you might say. I don't know what the idear is 
but it probably come from the same guy that 
makes you shoot laying on your stomach. 

Speaking about a month my month without 
leave is pretty near up and I am figureing on 

127 



128 TREAT 'EM ROUGH 

going to Chi the 1st. of Dec. and see Flcrrie and 
little Al though for all as I know they both may 
be dead because Florrie won't never suffer from 
writers cramp on my acct. I have asked her 2 
or 3 times to come out for Sunday and bring the 
kid but no its always to cold or she has got com- 
pany comeing for dinner or 1 thing another. 

Sometimes I pretty near wish I had a wife like 
Sebastian's thats so homely you can't hardly look 
at her but still and all you get a chance to once 
in a while. 

Well I wrote to that poor kid down in Texas 
and told her I didn't want to bother her to make 
me a helmet or a sweater but I all ready got a 
helmet. I didn't have the heart to tell her about 
Florrie or tell her to quit writeing to me but I 
give her a kind of a hint that I was to busy to 
spend much time writeing letters and I hope she 
don't try and keep up a correspondence because 
it can't do neither of us no good and the best 
way would be for us to both forget it and of 
course that wouldn't be no trouble for me but I 
am afraid a girl don't forget so easy. 

Well Al this ain't what you might call a happy 
letter but I don't know no good news to write only 
they have gave up our choir practice as a bad 
job and we don't have to worry no more about 
letting the fires go out. 

Your pal, Jack. 



Camp Geant, Dec. 2. 

T^RIEND AL: Well Al I just got back from 
-*• Chi and of all the tough luck a man ever 

had I had it. 

You remember me telling you about the last 
time I come back from my leave and I got in late 
and Capt. Nash says I couldn't have no more 
leave for a month. Well the month was up Friday 
and I had it fixed so as I could go to Chi Saturday 
A. M. with the gang that was going to the foot- 
ball game between our club and Camp Custer and 
the only ones that was allowed to go was the ones 
that had boughten tickets to the game so I bought 
a ticket though I didn't have no intentions of 
waisting my time out to no Willy boy football 
game. 

Well we got to Chi about noon and we had to 
inarch all over town and everybody stood on the 
sidewalks and cheered us to the ecco and I couldn't 
get away from the bunch till the parade was over 
though I don't enjoy marching and have every- 
body stare at you but when it was over I beat 
it for home. Well I hadn't said nothing to Florrie 
about comeing because I wanted to surprise her 
and I thought of course little Al and the Swede 

129 



130 TREAT 'EM ROUGH 

would be home and I and little Al could walk 
in on Florrie over to the beauty parlor and sur- 
prise her, but when I got to the flat and rung 
the bell they wasn't no answer and I rung and 
rung and finely I seen they wasn't nobody home so 
I went to the beauty parlor and 1 of the girls there 
told be that Florrie was takeing the P. M. off and 
wouldn't be back till Monday A. M. 

So I went back to the flat and looked for the 
janitor to let me in and when you don't want 
janitors they are always snooping around at 
your coat tails but when you do want them they 
are hideing in the ash bbl. or something. So it 
took me about a hour to find this bird and an- 
other hour to get him to open the door up for 
me and of course they wasn't nobody home so 
the janitor says maybe I could find out where 
they went from the neighbors so I rung the woman 
across the hall's bell and she come to the door. So 
I said "I'm Corp. Keefe and I wanted to know if 
you knew where is my wife and kid." So she says 
"They went out." Well Al I suppose I didn't 
know they had went out and I felt like saying to 
her "Oh I thought they might maybe of crawled 
in between the wall paper to take a nap or I 
thought maybe they might of left the stopper out 
of the bath tub and got drained off or something." 
But I just asked her did she know where they 
went and she said she didn't. 




As we marched, everybody stood on the side walks 
and cheered us to the ecco (p. 129). 



JACK THE KAISER KILLER 133 

Well I seen she didn't know nothing about them 
or probably nothing else so I went back in the 
flat and waited and waited and it come along 5 
o'clock and I called up a saloon over on Indiana 
and asked them to fetch me over a doz. bottles 
of beer and I had 2 of them and then went out 
to a restaurant and had supper and come back 
and nobody home yet. Well to make a short story 
out of it I finished the beer up and finely went to 
bed and I didn't know nothing more till 9 A. M. 
this morning when the Swede come snooping into 
the room and seen me and let out a screem and 
beat it and I got up and dressed and went in the 
kitchen and she said Florrie had took little Al 
somewheres to stay all night with some friends 
and give the Swede permission to go to a ski 
jumpers dance out to Berwyn and Florrie would 
be home about 11. 

Well Florrie come strutting in with the kid 
about 12 looking like she hadn't done nothing 
out of the way and when she seen me she squeeled 
and come romping over for a kiss. Well Al she 
didn't get it. I kissed little Al all right but I 
didn't see where she had a right to expect favors. 
Well she seen how things stood and begin trying 
to explain something about spending the P. M. 
down town shopping and then going to a show 
with some friends of hers on the north side and 
they left little Al in charge of the nurse at the 



134 TREAT 'EM ROUGH 

friends and they both stayed there all night and 
why didn't I teU her I would be home so as she 
could have changed her plans and etc. So I said 
"Yes you are a fine wife and mother running 
around town with a bunch of bums and leave your 
kid all alone in charge of a nurse that you don't 
know nothing about her and for all as you know 
she might of cut his ears off like a Belgium." 
Well I was sore and I give her a good balling out 
and of course it wound up like usual with her 
busting out crying and then they wasn't nothing 
for me to do only say I didn't mean what I had 
been saying and we had dinner and maybe every- 
thing would of been O. K. only we hadn't no 
sooner gotten up from the table when in come 
y^ of the south side and their wifes to call. Well 
they wasn't none of them I ever seen before or 
ever want to see them again and they was aU 
friends of Florrie's and 2 of the ladys was cus- 
tomers of hers so she didn't dare tell them to get 
the h — ^11 out of there and a Mrs. Crane and a 
Mrs. Somebody else picked on me and got me in 
a pocket on the Davenport and they didn't even 
have sence enough to call me Corporal but it was 
Mr. Keefe this and Mr. Keefe that and when did 
I think the war would end and wasn't the Ger- 
mans awful and how many men did we have in 
France and when was I going and so on. And 
Mrs. Crane said her and all her friends was so 




One of the girls there told me Florrie was taking 
the P.M. off (p. 130). 



JACK THE KAISER KILLER 137 

jealous of Mrs. Keefe because her husband was 
a soldier so I said I had heard they was room in 
some of the camps for a few more husbands and 
Mrs. Crane said her husband had tried his hardest 
to get into something but he had bad teeth so I 
said why didn't he try and get into some good 
dentist office. But they wasn't no way I could 
get them mad enough to go home till 5 o'clock 
then I and Florrie and the kid had just a hour 
together before I had to beat it for the train. 

Well Al I won't get no more leave oif till Xmas 
and maybe not then but what is the use any way 
when your wife gives you a welcome like that and 
all together it was a fine trip and I won't never try 
and take nobody by surprise after this but at 
that why couldn't she of stayed home where a 
woman belongs. 

My train was jamed comeing back tonight and 
I don't know where they got it but everybody 
was oiled up and celebrating about beating Camp 
Custer in the football game and I'll say Camp 
Custer must be a home for cripples or some- 
thing if that's the kind of a football club they 
turn out any way I bet they ain't no room to 
dance in the guard house tonight. 

Your pal, 

Jack. 



Camp Grant, Dec. 4. 

jrpRIEND AL: I guess I was so full of my 
-^ swell visit home when I wrote you the last 

time that I forgot about telling you about that 
little girlie down in Texas. Well Al they isn't 
much to tell only that I got another letter from 
her though I as good as told her I wished she 
wouldn't write me no more but she wrote any way 
and she says she can't forget me and theys no 
use asking her to and she wouldn't tell me where 
it was we seen each other and they was no use 
me asking her. It looks from her letter like she 
was getting in deeper every day and I don't know 
what will be the end of it all and if she done 
anything to herself on my acct. I would feel like 
a murder though of course a man can't help how 
they look or what a girl thinks about them but 
still and all you can't help from feeling like you 
was to blame. 

I guess the best way to do is just not answer 
her letter and hope for the best and hope she 
won't do nothing rash. 

Well Al I started out to write you a long letter 
but I am to wore out and I guess anybody would 
be after what we went through today. It was 



140 TREAT 'EM ROUGH 

the coldest day I ever seen so they picked it out 
for us to go on a 19 mile hike and if you could 
see the roads around here you would know what 
that means and they can talk all they want to 
about how the men suffers in France but I would 
rather go out in the middle of Nobody's Land 
and start a mumblety peg game then take another 
of these dam hikes with the weather a million be- 
low zero and the road full of rutts as big as the 
grand canion. 

If it hadn't been for setting a example to my 
command I believe I would of pretended like I 
was sick and when you are sick they make some- 
body else carry your junk and leave you ride in a 
wagon thats O. K. for a private that don't care 
what the rest of them think of him but a corporal 
has got to keep going and try to keep his men 
going and when you got a bunch of sap heads 
like mine it keeps a man on the jump to tend to 
them. Red Sampson was so bad that I had to 
keep after him all the while and finely I pulled 
a good one on him I said "Sampson everybody in 
the whole regt. is out of step but you." So the 
rest of them give him the laugh but he can't take 
a joke no matter how good it is so he says "I 
haven't heard that one since they fought with 
spears." So I said "You get in step and show a 
little life or I'll spear you." 

Well its all over now any way and I don't 




Yes you are a fine Wife and Mother running 

around town and leave your Kid 

all alone (p. 134). 



JACK THE KAISER KILLER 143 

suppose they will send us out again till theys a 
big blizzard or something and then they will march 
us to Canada or somewheres for a little work out. 

Your pal, 

Jack. 



Camp Grant, Dec. 7. 

T?RIEND AL: Well Al I got some big news 
-^ for you. The govt, have changed their 

plans all around and decided after this to send 
the best men from the national army to fill up 
the national guards and that means theys a big 
bunch of us leaveing soon for Camp Logan down 
in Texas and the officers say we musent spill 
nothing about it that is when we are going be- 
cause if the pro German spys ever found out that 
our bunch was going down there they would 
spread the rails and turn switches on us and prob- 
ably put torpedos on the track or something. So 
all as I can say is that you won't hear from me 
here no more and I can't tell you what units we 
wiU be in because we haven't got no official notice 
yet and all as I know is what some of the boys 
heard that we would be in Col. House's regt. I 
thought when I 1st. heard the news that it meant 
K^e would be starting for France pretty quick 
and of course I didn't stop to think that they 
have closed up navigations for the winter. 

Well Al I am glad we are going somewheres 
for the winter where it isn't so dam cold and of 
course I don't like to be so far away from home 
but maybe Florrie can get away and come down 
there and join me for a while and I am going 

145 



146 TREAT 'EM ROUGH 

to have a few hours off any way to say good bye 
to little Al and she and I wish I could see you 
and Bertha before I go especially you but theys 
no chance so good bye and good luck to you and 
I will write when I can. 

I just happened to think Al that Camp Logan 
is in Texas and thats where that little girl lives 
but you can bet I won't leave her know where I 
am because in the 1st. place she would probably 
be just crazy enough to want to see me or some- 
thing and besides I wrote her a farewell note 
yesterday and asked her wouldn't she send me her 
picture because I thought that would make her 
feel a little happier to think I wanted her picture 
even if we don't keep on writeing letters and I 
don't care if she sends it or not any way if she 
sent it up here I will probably be gone before 
that time. 

Well Al I will be kind of sorry to leave Camp 
Grant where all and all we have had a pretty 
good time and I guess Gen. Martin and them 
will be sorry to see our bunch duck out and they 
will have a fine bunch left when we go but I am 
glad we won't freeze to death this winter and 
besides that they tell me the national guards is 
shy of officers and maybe I may not stay a cor- 
poral long after I get there but will get some- 
thing bigger though a corporal can't be sneezed at. 
Your pal, Jack. 



Camp Logan, Dec. 14. 

TJ^ RIEND AL: Well old pal here we are in 
^ sunny Texas and its been pretty cold so 

far but nothing like it was up at Camp Grant 
and of course it don't never get as cold here as 
up there on acct. of this being further south. 

Well nothing happened to us on the way down 
though of course it would of been good night nurse 
if it had got out what road we come on and when 
we left and even at that we seen some bad eggs 
at several different stations that looked like Ger- 
mans that might of tried to pull something if they 
had a chance but we watched them like a hawk 
and they was scared to make a false move. 

Well Al what do you think they have made 
Shorty Lahey a sargent down here only thank 
god he isn't in my Co. or I would be up in front 
of the court's marshal! for murder. But him be- 
ing a sargent shows they must of been pretty 
hard up and you can bet they was tickled to 
death to see our bunch roll in. Well Al if he 
can get a sargent I will be a gen. in a month. He 
says to me yesterday he says "Well old sport I 
wish they had of put you in my Co. and you would 

147 



148 TREAT 'EM ROUGH 

do the rest of your drilling with a dish towel." So 
I said "Yes I would." 

Well after thinking it over a while I decided I 
better write to the little girl and tell her where 
I was at because I asked her in my farewell note 
for her to send me her picture of herself and if 
she sent it up to Camp Grant maybe 1 of them 
rummys might get a hold of it and open it up 
and then write back to the girl and kid her about 
it and I figured maybe if I let her know I was 
down here that maybe she hadn't sent the picture 
up there yet. But I didn't give her no encourage- 
ment to write to me here and all I said was that 
if she ever happened to be in Houston and I hap- 
pened to be in town on leave maybe we might 
run into each other but I just said that jokeingly 
because her town is about a 100 miles from here 
and what would she be doing a 100 miles from 
home and besides even if I seen her on the st. I 
doubt if I would know her though I generally 
almost always remember faces though I can't al- 
ways remember their names. But if she seen me 
and spoke to me I would pretend like I didn't hear 
her and duck because it would only make it 
tougher for her to talk to me because I would 
have to tell her the truth. But I guess its all 
over between us now and any way I hope so. 
Your pal, 

Jack, 




If he can get a sargent I will be a geot in 
a month (p. 147). 



Camp Logan, Dec. 16. 

rpRIEND AL: Well old pal I am up against 

a funny proposition now and it isn't so 

dam funny at that. Here is a letter I received 

this A. M. from that girlie. I will copy it down. 

"Soldier Boy, so we are going to meet at last. 
Yes we are, that is if you want it to happen. My 
aunt in Houston has been wanting me to come 
there for months, but not till now have I really 
wanted to. You know why I do now, don't you 
Soldier Boy? You say it is easier for you to 
get off Sundays. All right. Will you meet me 
in the lobby of the Rice Hotel a week from today 
at one in the afternoon. I will let you take me 
to dinner and we can talk things over. We have 
a lot to say to each other, haven't we Soldier 
Boy? Write me at once and say you will meet 
me. I can hardly wait to get your reply and if 
you disappoint me I will do something to make 
you sorry. But you won't will you? I am just 
finishing your sweater and will bring it to you." 

Well Al when the letter come I had a notion to 
write to her back and tell her to not come but in 
her letter she said she would do something to 
make me sorry and I am afraid of what she would 

151 



152 TREAT 'EM ROUGH 

do and if she done something rash I would feel 
like it was mj fault and besides if she has got 
a sweater pretty near made for me it would be 
kind of mean to of made her do all that work for 
nothing and besides a man needs a sweater a lot 
of times even down here and I was going to buy 
one because I didn't have no idear she was make- 
ing one for me. So I figure the best way to do 
is to tell her I will meet her and I will take her 
somewheres to dinner and while we are at dinner 
I can tell her the truth about me being married 
and it will be much better to tell her to her face 
then write it in a letter because it would sound 
pretty hard in black and white but the only thing 
is we have got to find some quite spot so as if she 
makes a seen or something they won't be no crowd 
around to pop their eyes out at us. But I hope 
she is a game bird and will take it O.K. and I'm 
sorry now I didn't tell her in the 1st. place and 
I wish she wasn't comeing and I sometimes wish I 
was a little scrimp or ugly so as a girl wouldn't 
look at me twice and between you and I Al it 
isn't all a bed of roses to be like I am. 

I will write and tell you how I come out but I 
am to exited to write any more now and I wish 
they was some way I could get out of it all with- 
out leaveing no scars. 

Your pal. 

Jack. 



Houston, Tex., Dec. 24. 

J~pRIEND AL: I bet you will pop your eyes 
-^ out when you read this letter and read 

what I got to tell you. I will begin at the begin- 
ning and tell you what come oif so as you will 
know what come off. 

Saturday I pretty near made up my mind that 
it would be better for me to not see Miss Chase 
so when I asked for leave for yesterday I hoped 
they wouldn't give it to me but they give it to 
me O.K. so I had to come or it would look funny. 
Well I come into the Rice at about 5 min. to 1 
and looked around the lobby and they was only 
one woman that was alone and she was old about 
35 and I looked around and couldn't see no girl 
that looked like they was waiting for somebody, 
and while I was looking this woman I seen seen 
me and come over to where I was standing. Well 
Al I thought sure it was the girl's aunt and she 
had heard about our date and was going to raise 
h — 11 or something. Well this woman come up 
and says wasn't I Corporal Keefe. Well I didn't 
know what to say and I kind of stalled and she 
says "Was you expecting to meet some one here.?" 
So I said "Yes I was looking for a man." So 

15S 



154 TREAT 'EM ROUGH 

then she kind of smirked and says "Well I was 
expecting to meet a man to and I thought you was 
him." So I said "No I guess you have got the 
wrong bird." 

Well Al everything would of been O.K. and I 
could of got away O.K. only just when I had 
her beleiving it wasn't me who should come up 
but Lefty Kramer that pitchs in the Texas League 
and lives here and instead of him just saying 
"Hello Jack" of course he had to say "Well if 
here ain't old Jack Keefe" and then it was good 
night. Well I suppose I turned into all the colors 
of the rainbow and I didn't know what to say 
and then Lefty asked right out loud if I wasn't 
going to introduce him to the lady and she spoke 
up and said her name Miss Chase and then I 
had to say something so I said "Oh I didn't 
know you was really Miss Chase or I would of 
acted different but I thought you was somebody 
else." So she kind of give a funny smile and says 
"Yes you did" and then all of a sudden I heard 
little Al's voice right behind hollering "There's 
daddy" and I looked around and it was Florrie 
and little Al. 

Well Al Florrie come up and kissed me right 
in front of the whole hotel and the next thing I 
know the 3 of us was away from Kramer and 
the dame and Florrie was telling me how she had 
came down to give me a Xmas supprise and she 




Well if here ain't old Jack Keefe (p. 154), 



JACK THE KAISER KILLER 157 

IS going to stay about 3 wks. and spend some of 
the time with her sister over in Beaumont. 

Well I took a look just as we was going up in 
the elevator and Miss Chase was still standing 
there yet with Kramer and she was looking right 
at me and I couldn't help from feeling sorry for 
her the way she looked but a woman her age 
should ought to know more then start writeing 
letters to a guy she never seen and maybe this 
will learn her a lesson and I suppose she can give 
her sweater to somebody else and maybe Kramer 
has got it by this time but what he ought to have 
is a wallop in the jaw for butting in but what can 
you expect from a left hander. 

Well Al I have got a leave off for over Xmas 
and I am writeing this letter while Florrie is out 
shopping and she asked me what I wanted for 
Xmas and I told her a sweater so I won't loose 
out after all. 

Your pal, 

Jack. 



Camp Logan, Jan. 5. 

rpRIEND AL: Well Al this may be the last 
-^ time you will ever hear from me or at least 

for a long time and maybe never. I'm going over 
there old pal and something tells me I won't never 
come back. 

I can't ttjll you what I am going with or when 
we go or where we sail from because they won't 
leave us give out none of that dope and all as I 
can say is that about 30 of us has been picked 
to fill up a unit and we leave here tomorrow and 
meet them at the place where we sail from. Well 
Al its a big honor to be 1 of the men picked and 
it means they have got a lot of confidence in me 
and you can bet they are not sending no riff and 
raff over there but just picked men and I will 
show them they didn't make no mistake in choos- 
ing me. 

But its mighty tough to leave Florrie and little 
Al and I thought Florrie would break her heart 
when I told her and no wonder. But when its 
a question of duty I am not the kind that would 
back out and Florrie wouldn't want me to but its 
hard all the same. 

Well Al I can't waist no more time writeing 
159 



160 TREAT 'EM ROUGH 

to you and I am going to meet Florrie in Houston 
in a little while and it may be for the last time so 
I will say good bye to you now and say good bye 
to Bertha for me and she ought to be thankful 
she has got a husband that stayed at home and 
didn't enlist. And if we have good luck and noth- 
ing happens to us I will write you once in a while 
from the other side. 

Your pal. 

Jack, 



"?^-\o^ "^.'^.'-y -o/>?!?t-\o^ ' 



^^ 




Neutralizing agent: Magnesium Oxide 
I'dfe Treatment Date: wiy 2TO1 

' PreservationTechnologies 

A WORLD LEADER IN PAPER PRESERVATIO 

111 Thomson Park Drive J 

Cranberry Townshio, PA 1 6066 I 



^o ';?^^' .0^ 







